“Our planning sessions are a step in the right direction, Ray. We need to do more of these. Like every day. I want fewer of your ideas in the blog, like none. And more of my ideas in the blog, like all,” said La Flor.
“What planning session? We only went out for coffee,” I said.
La Flor looks over at Little Carmen, “Isn’t he cute. Look at him dipping a biscotti into his coffee and watching the excess coffee drip off with the amazed look of a two-year-old child. He can do that for hours.”
“Hours?” I said. Then I attempted to redirect the conversation, “I thought the blog was about you,” I said then taking a sip of my cappuccino.
“Not the real me. Between you and me, there’s to much of him in it (the to instead of too deal again),” La Flor pointing her spoon at Little Carmen. Little Carmen came out of his trance. He followed the tip of the spoon apparently thought it went through him to whoever might be behind him. He turned around and stared an eighty something year old with a beautiful twentyish woman.
He turned back to La Flor, pointed his right thumb into his chest, and said, “The guy with the cute chick, but not as cute as use, giving use the willies, beautiful, tough, and edgy?”
La Flor took a sip of her chai latte then stared at Little Carmen thinking he was pointing to himself. “That is so introspective of you, LC. Would you please tell him to stay out of my conversation with Ray because it’s going to be all about me.”
“Where did you get the word introspection?”
“Either, Ellen, Oprah, or The View. It could have been on Oxygen or Lifetime. Maybe Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz. I’m not sure.” I rarely pay attention to those two when they are attempting the art of communication. Instead, I was sipping my cappuccino and thinking how nice it might be to come to this coffee shop with someone with whom I could have a nice conversation.
“Do you watch TV all day?”
“No, I tell LC to watch my shows and give me a summary. I’m two busy talking too my girlfriends (There’s that to, too, and two thing again – I’m going to have to teach them the difference. It’s driving me nuts). La Flor turned to me and said, “I’ve got this great idea and I want to tell you all about it. I’m going to make the blog a gossip column.”
She continued, “I’ve got this great idea. I’m going to make the blog an alt ego gossip column.”
“Alt ego gossip column? I don’t like gossip,” I said.
“Yah, right, Ray. I watch you reading the headlines on People, Inquirer, and all the other gossip mags at the store,” said La Flor.
“Those are legitimate news sources,” I said defensively. Then I added, “I don’t pick them up off the rack, I only read the headlines and look at the pictures on the cover.”
A slight commotion to my left, or La Flor’s right. We synchronically turned toward where Little Carmen sat, except he wasn’t sitting there. He was standing at the table behind us. He was talking to the beautiful, by any standards, alt ego woman who sat with the old guy, “Listen, babe, dis guy’s old enough to be use grandfather, grandfather. Use can do better.”
She looked at him, “You, for instance?”
“To be perfectly franklin about it, I wood (yes, he confuses wood and would) say yes, but I am taken with the beautiful, tough, and edgy one behind me.”
The old guy was fiddling with his hearing aid. He looked at the woman with him and said, “Tell him the bathroom is over there?” The old timer pointed toward the rear of the coffee shop. “They’re out of toilet paper. It’ll be better if he holds it.”
Little Carmen looked at the old guy, “I don’t has to go number to.”
The old guy yanked the hearing aid out of his ear, then wiped the excess ear wax off on his napkin. “I think I found the problem,” he said.
He looked at Little Carmen, “Can you help me put it back in my ear?”
“Do I looks like a proctologist?” Then he turned back to the woman, “Since use are now heartbroken since I am taken, I will talk two your boyfriends.”
“I do not have two boyfriends (she heard it the way he said it). He’s not my boyfriend, he’s my grandfather,” she said.
La Flor jumped in, “Don’t get any ideas about LC, sister.”
“La Flor!” I said.
“If you want to take it out on the street …” before La Flor continued, I jumped in. “Your tab is on me. I apologize for my guests.”
The old guy accidentally dropped his hearing aid in his coffee and was now trying to fish it out with a spoon.
Little Carmen was watching the action the way a third grader pays attention to a Sunday sermon. He really needs to sharpen his listening skills. He wasn’t sure if he should talk to the woman or to the old guy. He pulled out a quarter and flipped it. He said, “It’s heads.”
La Flor, the old guy, the woman, and I looked at him. Little Carmen didn’t quite know how to handle the attention, he said, “The other side is tails, but not a real tale, I’m not sure what tale or tail I should use here if use don’t mind my depression from the main topic which is I don’t wants use to take sneak peaks on my girl’s blog.”
“Whose girl are you talking about?” said La Flor.
“You go girl,” said the woman with the old guy.
“Thank you, sister,” said La Flor.
Little Carmen said, “Use, my darling.”
La Flor said, “Repeat everything I say.”
“Repeat everything I say,” replied Little Carmen.
“No, you repeat everything I say,” said La Flor a bit of an edge to her voice.
“Do I have to put the edgy on the voice like use, beautiful, tough, and edgy?”
“I am not your darling,” said La Flor.
“I am not your darling,” said Little Carmen. Then he added, “Who is your darling if I am not your darling?” Little Carmen’s eyes looked like a large dog’s sad brown eyes.
“Me,” said La Flor.
“Me?” asked Little Carmen.
“No, not you, me,” said La Flor.
“No, not you, me,” said Little Carmen believing he was still under the repeat everything I say edict.
This could go on for three pages if I didn’t intervene. I called to the waiter, “Can you bring three more biscotti’s, and three fresh coffees?
They both looked at me, “Use gonna share?” asked Little Carmen.
“I prefer a croissant with some butter and real blackberry jelly,” said La Flor.
“As I was saying, Ray. It’s all about me.”
“It is, La Flor. It is,” I agreed.