I sat at the breakfast bar working on a blueberry, banana smoothie. I’m reading a recipe for bean burritos on Pinterest (do I really need to read a recipe on how to make a bean burrito? I’ve got to get a life), I overheard La Flor and her proteges talking. My interest is piqued.
“We are here for you, TT. LC and I are going to help you write your profile on altegomatches.com. You’ll have all the almost as hot as me babes wanting to meet you,” said La Flor.
‘Really? Really? Really, La Flor. Will I finally get a date? Will I meet someone as nice and beautiful and tough and edgy as you?” said TT with a hint of hope in his voice. In case you’re interested, he may be a permanent soprano.
“No. Not possible,” said La Flor.
“I’m not going to get a date?”
“We’ll get you a date, but she won’t be anything like me. She will be self-centered, thinks everyone should cater to her needs, and demands constant attention.”
I wondered for a brief moment if La Flor was speaking about an identical twin.
“I founds their probiotics, beautiful, tough, and edgy idol of men and women,” said Little Carmen (he meant profile).
La Flor relished the mention of idol of men and women. What’s the first question, LC?”
“Use don’t have to answer trutfully, TT, nobody does. If use answer truthfully nobody believes you because everybody twits da trute,” said Little Carmen.
La Flor read the first question, “What is your most attractive feature? We’ll have to lie, TT, you don’t have any.”
TT said, “I think I do. I’m smart. Is that attractive?”
“Heavens no. None of the women that are right for you want someone who is smart. They want someone who is rich.”
“But, but, but, my card is maxed out. I only have thirty-five cents left on my Starbucks app. What will I say?”
“I has an idea, beautiful, tough, and edgy idol of men and women. May I speak it?”
“You have a way with words, LC. What is it?” said La Flor.
“We says TT is going to inherit a million dollars as soon as he takes his rich uncle off life support, which should be in a week,” beamed Little Carmen.
“Huh? I don’t have a rich uncle. I’d never take him off life support if I did,” said TT.
“We’re making it up as we go, TT. The same way Ray writes his blogs. Brilliant, LC. Next question, TT, ‘What are you looking for in the ideal date?'” said La Flor.
“Someone nice. Someone who is kind. Someone who likes to walk in nature and look at sunsets,” said TT.
La Flor and Little Carmen started laughing hysterically. Little Carmen was banging his fist on the table. La Flor said, “Is my mascara running. I can’t stop laughing. Tears are running down my precious cheeks.”
TT said, “Did I say something wrong?”
La Flor back in control of her emotions, said, “The woman you described is only on the old movies channel. Get real, TT. Here’s what you’re looking for. Don’t tell me. I’ll tell you, “Looking for a cougar who wants to meet a young muscular guy with great hair, and veneers.”
“I, I don’t want a live pet,” shrieked TT.
“You really need to think veneers. Maybe Rogaine. LC, we are doing charitable work with TT,” said La Flor.
“What if they want to date me? What will I do?” said TT. He had a hand on his left eye to stop a twitch. His hives were breaking out.
“We’ll cross that T when we comes to a fork in the road,” said Little Carmen.
I honestly think Little Carmen needs help. I’m not sure what kind, but he needs it, pronto.
La Flor said, “Here’s the next question, “What do you like to do.”
“I like to read and watch PBS? This won’t work, will it?” asked TT.
“Use is catching on,” said Little Carmen. He added, “Let’s say he likes to gamble. He’s a bad boy. He rides a motorcycle without a helmet. He likes to get tats on any piece of skin that doesn’t have a tat. And, he says to live is to party.”
“I got it, LC. Word for word. He’ll have the bad babes begging for a date,” said La Flor.
“But, I’m not any of those,” said TT. His body one complete rash.
“Now for your photo,” said La Flor. She turned to Little Carmen, “Pull a few good photos off Google we can add to his profile, LC.”
“Check these three out.” said Little Carmen.
La Flor looks at the photos. “I like this one. This one. and this one. What do you think, TT?”
“You’re putting a photo of a muscular black man. Dr. Oz. And, my former boss, Dr. Phil? on my profile?”
“Does use think he passed out or is taking a nap, wise woman who is also beautiful tough, and edgy?”
“Hard to tell, just in case it’s a nap, let’s not wake him.”