Big Carmen Wasn’t Kidding

Season 2, episode 8, the final show of the season on my favorite Netflix series. I’m three-fourths of the way through the episode. It’s a cliffhanger building to another cliffhanger when I hear . . .

The doorbell.

I am not going to answer it. I am going to finish my show. And, I hear …

The doorbell.

I pause my show. I take off of my shoes, stealthily walk to the door. I look through the security hole. A half foot away is a nose big enough to stick it into my business. The nose is the personal property of Big Carmen. He has his muscle, the diminutive seventy-one-year-old, Lil Carlo. There is no way I want to talk to these two guys. I want to see my show. There are twenty minutes left. I turn and tiptoe back to living room. I gently sit on my sofa. I give a warm smile to my hot air popcorn and can of diet soda. La Flor and Carmela and their chauffeur, Little Carmen, are off somewhere. I hope it’s out of the country.and I will not be disturbed, until I hear …

“We knows use is in there.”

How do they know I’m in here? La Flor made Little Carmen take my car. She didn’t want to be seen in a pizza delivery car, bad for the image. I think Big Carmen’s bluffing. I lie down on the sofa, pull a pillow over my head, and curl into a fetal position. I am really worried, this is a La Flor move. Is she writing my script? These thoughts are crashing through my mind when I hear . . .

“I’m a gonna counts to three or maybe four if eyes in a good mood (yes, he said eyes) then I’m a gonna have my muscle kick in you door.”

Lil Carlo, all one hundred seven pounds in going to kick in my door? No way. At least I thought it was no way until I hear …

“Lil Carlo is gonna use a grenade we got as a gift when we visited the armory when nobody was there. Use understand what I am trying to say?

I go back to the door. this time with my shoes on. I speak through the door. I said, “I only have twenty minutes left to season 2, episode 8 of …. ” When I hear …

“I already seem it (yes, he said seem). Use don’t has to finish it, because this is how it ends,” Big Carmen proceed to tell me the ending of the cliffhanger and the cliffhanger heading into season 3.

“Now let’s us in. Eyes has to talk to use about my boy. He needs use help, and this will be a big favor to Big Carmen if use deliver what I thinks use can deliver, which is better than how Little Carmen delivers because he ain’t such a good delivery man. Use follow?”

No, not really. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I keep the words bottled. No sense in feeding a tiger red meat.

I open the door. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo walk in. Big Carmen’s carrying a pizza. Lil Carlo is carrying a hand grenade. He wasn’t kidding.

We sit down. Big Carmen opens the pizza box. “This eye made special for use. It’s got thin crust, but chewy. It’s got fresh buffalo mozzarella, that means it’s made in Buffalo. it’s got fresh just picked from my neighbor’s yard, basil leaves. The sauce you can die for and might I say, Tomas did. And, I put on peppers, just enough calamata olives. And, I baked it to perfection. Normally, this pie costs fourteen seventy-five. But for you, it’s free. Now, here’s my favor I need.”

I’m praying it’s an easy one. Something I can do with my eyes closed. Until I hear …

“I want you to coach Little Carmen on how to proposal to the beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

I feel dizzy.

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