What do you say to a guy who’s head over heels in love with someone who doesn’t love him? What do you say to a guy who can leap tall buildings with a single bound, fly faster than the worlds fastest rocket, and will throw himself in front of a runaway bus for the woman he loves, but doesn’t love him?
I’m plucking petals from daisies. Now you understand my dilemma. He loves her. She doesn’t love him. He adores her. She uses him for window dressing. He’ll do anything for her. She’ll let him do anything for her. Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with
Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with alt ego personalities you have no clue how difficult it to reason with them.
I take a deep breath, visualize myself being successful until in my visualization I see Lil Carlo pointing a gun at me telling me to fix everything. I stop visualizing.
“Little Carmen, can I get you a beer? Glass of red wine (this is the cheap stuff I cook with)? Soda?” I said.
“No tanks, Ray-mo. But if use has a red popsicle that’d be good.”
A red popsicle? Isn’t that something four-year-olds want? I know there are no popsicles in my fridge, but I go and look anyway. I root around like I’m looking for the popsicles. I holler back, “I remember I ate the last one last night. Darn. Anything else?”
“How’s about a piece of the left over anchovy pizza?”
It’s three days old. But pizza doesn’t have a decomposition value. “Need it heated?” I ask.
“No tanks. I likes my little fishies cold. I just don’t want them swimming,” Little Carmen laughs at his humor. Humor? Did you laugh?
I said, “Good one.”
I forgot about his limited attention span. I choose a choice piece, put it on a plate, grab a piece of paper towel for a napkin and bring it to Little Carmen.
“Tanks,” He nods. He takes the paper towel napkin and blows his nose on it. Crumples it and sticks it in his pocket. Should I say, ‘one and done?’ I think not.
I know I’m stalling. Little Carmen folds his pizza in half. I count, one … two … three bites and the large slice is gone. He pulls up the bottom of his t-shirt and wipes his mouth. He makes a fist and hits his stomach. The expected belch soon follows.
“Use know a true pizza factoid Ray-mo. It tastes better the next day and sometimes the day after the next day. Pretty deep, don’t cha tink?”
“Deep,” I answer.
“I only has ten minutes before I has to go to work at the pizzeria. Big Carmen’s short shifted tonight because my cousin Carl is busy.”
“Too busy to go to work?” I ask.
“Oh, he’s working for Big Carmen. Let’s put it this way, do use need a need smart TV at a considerable discount?”
“No thanks. My TV works fine.”
“How’s about use choice of sardines, any brand use want?”
“No thanks, I’m all set. What’s Carl do, exactly?”
“When he’s not mixing the dough, he works in procurement for Big Carmen. Use know what that word means?”
I don’t want to know anything else. I said, “It means he’s busy tonight. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”
“There’s bad news? I don’t like bad news and Big Carmen, he hates it worse than me. Know something else, Lil Carlo goes nuts when he hears bad news. I tinks it runs in the family tree.”
My situation reminds me of when I was in basic training. A sergeant came up to me, stood two inches away from. Our noses almost touching and he said (honestly, this is true and it is an exact quote), “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawn mower.” Right now, I’m the grass and it’s a toss up who’s the lawn mower, Big Carmen, Lil Carlo, or some cousin I haven’t met.
“Little Carmen, it’s this way…”, La Flor dashes in.
“To where?” asked Little Carmen., La Flor dashes in.
I’m about to speak when I hear . . .
“Not another word, Ray. I hope I’m not too late,” said La Flor dashing into the living room, her protege a half step behind. TT who’s smitten with the protege is a half step behind her.
“She looks at Little Carmen, “Let me see the diamond before I accept your proposal. It better be big, real, and really expensive or you find another girl.”
“I was going to give it to use tomorrow after cousin Carl does some procuring. It’s like Amazon, but better. I don’t have to wait two days to have it delivered. Use will see something so big, so expensive, so beautiful it will blind use girlfriends or cousin Carl goes for a swim.”
“Huh?” I said.