I’m Not Managerial Material

I’m tired of the drama. I’ve got more drama than the White House and Congress combined. If it’s not La Flor, it’s Carmela who’s taken up residence. If it’s not one of the girls, it’s Little Carmen. And, now, TT is love struck. He purchased a notebook and doodles big hearts, little hearts and every kind of heart in between. TT + Carmela. Carmela + TT TLF. Oh, give me a break.

You want to know about the ring? Cousin Carl asked for an extra day. It had something to do with getting the boys together. A group of guys shopping for a ring for Little Carmen? I know. I’m naive.

Anyway, los cuatro amigos are out for a handsome carriage ride down by the Riverwalk. They’ll get in when they get in. I’m going to start the next season of my favorite series on Netflix. Remember how Big Carmen ruined the finale. At least he didn’t tell me how the next season started. I ordered a pizza from Struzzerio’s Deep Dish. Big Carmen doesn’t make deep dish and I’m craving it. I get it loaded with veggies. And, the sauce, the sauce is so good I’ll scrape the cardboard box to get every drop of it.  I’ll add extra cardio at the Y tomorrow.

I have my pizza. I bought Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. I have my diet soda to balance the Chunky Monkey. Everything is arranged on my coffee table. My cell is turned off. Netflix is on, and I push play. Life is good. Until . . .

“Hey, Ray. I bring use pizza so’s we can watch the Sox tonight against the Yanks.”

He’s in my house? How? Why? The door was locked. The shades are drawn. The TV is on low. I slide Struzzerio’s deep dish under the sofa.

Big Carmen walks into the living room carrying two extra large pizzas. A small box marked cannoli. And, another box marked, breadsticks and sauce. He said, “If the game goes into extra’s I’m gonna call Antonio to bring us more food.”

“Who’s Antonio?”

“Just a guy from the neighborhood who owes me a favor. He’s working the shop tonight because I got to be good to the man who taught my Little Carmen to talk like the angels, to sing like Pavarotti, to write like Dante.”

“I did?”

“Don’t be bashful. His beautiful, tough, and edgy woman is hot for him, It’s a marriage made on the plaza in heaven next to the pizzeria.”

“Don’t take this personal, Big Carmen. But, my doors were locked. How did you get in?”

“Use beans serious?” asked Big Carmen.

I nodded.

“Let me splain something to use. Use got a lock. The locks no good if use can’t open it. Am I right?”

What choice did I have? “You’re right.”

“See, use is flowing with my logic. If a lock is meant to be opened, why not open it. This is a value I live by.”

“It’s a core value. I can see that,” I said.

“For some reason, my pizza smells extra good tonight. I got to thanks Antonio. He used to work for Struzzerio’s until I told him not to work for Struzzerio.”

“You don’t like Struzzerio?” I asked while I tried to push Struzzerio’s deep dish deeper under the sofa.

“It goes way back. Maybe seven or eleven generations. I like Angelo. He’s okay. It’s his great, great, great grandfather I can’t stand.”

“Do you know his great, great, great grandfather?”

“No. I don’t have to know him to not like him. You see what I’m saying?”

I nod to move the conversation on and get to the pizza.

“Ray. I owes use a big, maybe huge, maybe gigantic favor. Use see where I’m going with this?”

“Un uh,” I said.

“Let’s look at use career. Use is going nowhere fast. This frog thing use is doing. . . .”

“Do you mean blog?” I asked.

“That’s what I said, frog. Now don’t uninterrupt my thoughting.”

I nod.

“I want to offers use a managerial position in a business not too many people knows about.”

“Is this Amway?” I said. Why I said this, I have no clue.

“I knows my way, if that’s what use is asking. But my managerial position has to do with procurement, delivery, and collections. Use don’t do any of the heavy lifting. One of the perks I offer is to have use house swept for bugs every hour. That way use don’t have bugs if use know I means. And, another big plus, is use get to have Lil Carlo as use assistant.”

Is he asking me what I think he is asking me, but I don’t want to put it in print in case an agency with three letters wants to talk to me. I’m feeling dizzy. I think I’m hyperventilating. Big Carmen whacks me on my back hard enough to knock my eyeballs into the next county.

“I sees use are overwhelmed at my generous offer, which I know use can’t refuse. I’m talking six, seven figures. Use own chauffeur, who carries. See where I’m going?”

Straight to the big house, I’m thinking.

La Flor is marrying into this family. The crazy thing is, I like Big Carmen even if I think he’s nuts.

I change the subject, “Let’s open the pizza. I’m starving.”

“I see use was going to watch Netflickers and seasons 3. Let me tells use how the cliffhanger works out.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to watch my Netflix series without a spoiler alert. And, I’m not managerial material.







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