I buy my suits at Men’s Wearhouse. I’ve never worn a $4000 dollar suit. The shirt cost I’m wearing costs more than all the suits in my closet combined. The shoes, tie, and cufflinks they handed me? If I purchased them, I’d need a second mortgage. Why am I doing this? It’s my blog, I can rewrite the script. Yet, there is an alien force alive in the alt ego world pulling me deeper and deeper into its parallel universe. What have I got to lose? To start with, the little sanity I have left after bringing La Flor into the mix.
The voice from the living room brings me out of my reverie, “Use ready, we don’t want to keep the family waiting. It won’t look good for anybody and that means nobody,” said Tony.
I need to pick up mob speak as a second language. I did a final check in the mirror, pulled my cuffs out. Have to admit I look good. First born Italian sons always have a gigantic ego. Even when it is not deserved.
Tony is wearing a black leather driving cap. He has black driving gloves. Black T-shirt, black pants. For an instant, I wonder if I’m going to a funeral. He opens the back door to the black stretch limo. I get in and Fredo slides in next to me. His dress is the same except for the hat. He’s wearing dark shades.
“I don’t want use to gets lonely,” said Fredo. He takes out a pair of earplugs, pops them into his ears and starts watching a video on his phone.
I want to make conversation, “What movie are you watching?”
“Hey Tony, he wants to know what movie I’m watching.”
Tony starts laughing so hard, he bangs his right palm on the dash board. Fredo, pauses his movie. He’s laughing too. He stops laughing, he wipes the tears from his face. He turns to me and said, “Mob hits. It’s not the movies.”
Mob hits. It’s not the movies?”
“How shall I puts it to use? Use know how ESPN does the best plays of the day from the day before in case use didn’t see them?”
Fredo says, “Something like that. Let’s say it is a training film made from real experience. Like a reality show, but it is not a reality show.”
Enough. As soon as I get back I’m calling the FBI and entering the witness protection program against the alt ego mob. What am I saying? I created the alt egos.
“Dis is use problem, if I may say so. Noticed I did not use use name because if I did use use name, somebody who’s not supposed to hear what I am saying will hear what I am saying and use may come under discussion. If use knows what I mean. Shake your head if use follows my logical,” said Fredo.
Is there a grammatical rule against using use use back to back? Of course there is, please don’t email, text, or call and explain the rule to me. I did not follow his logic because there is no logic to follow. Fredo speaks in convoluted sentences without a sentence structure. I nod my head. What else can I do?
Fredo goes back to his training film. Tony hollers back, “Use need a stiff drink to calm use nervousness before use interview?”
“I don’t drink,” I said.
“This is a mistake,” said Tony.
“Why? I do it for health reasons.”
“I gonna gives use a clue. Now if they accepts use for the position which everyone knows use is interviewing for, I want use to remember hows I went about to help use prepare. Everybody who’s gonna interview use is gonna be drinking wine. They gonna offer use wine, if use don’t drink it, they’s gonna think there is something wrong with use. Use won’t get the job.”
I try to play this cool, seeing my way out of my predicament. I wonder if I can keep the suit. I say, “I eat tofu too.”
“Hey, Fredo, use hears what he jus said? He said he eats toe food.”
Fredo pulls out his earplugs, “Use eats toe food?”
I assumed this is there way of speaking, I nod.
“They gonna love this man, Tony. He’s a cannonball. He’s not gonna take any cannoli from anybody likes the last guy.”
I think he meant to say cannibal instead of cannonball. I let it go, instead, I ask, “The last guy?”
“Yah, he’s coming up on my training film. He made a nice exit if use knows what I mean. He coulda made the Olympic swim team if they have diving from overpass on I-35 at rush hour. You wants to see it?
“Not now, Fredo, we’s here,” said Tony out of the corner of his mouth.
Tony pulls the limo to a stop in the warehouse district. Tony says, “We’s at cooperate.”
“You mean corporate?”
“Whad I say?”
Mario’s Ice Storage? Corporate? A sign on the door, Reopens When We Reopens.