“I am so freaking excited. I am the cover girl for the roach’s jewels,” said La Flor lying on her yoga mat doing crunches, some crazy Pilates and core exercises. She added, “I’m already buff, but a cover girl can’t be too buff, suppose they want to feature a diamond in my navel. I have an innie. You can’t feature a diamond in an outie.” La Flor showing great pride in her bully button.
“I think it’s La Roche. What are you doing now?” I asked.
“What did I say? I hate to repeat myself. I’m working my legs and arms together. The best tummy tightener exercise possible. Make me a power smoothie while I finish up.”
“Do you want wheat grass? Gia seeds? Flaxseeds? Green tea? Kale? Spinach? What do you want in it?” I said.
“All the above. I’m in training. Go to one of those health blogs. The weird ones that everyone says they read but don’t. Unlike your blog where everyone says they don’t read and do because of me.”
“I have to time the smoothie. When will you be through with your workout?”
“I’ve got cardio. After cardio, I do upper body weights. Got to keep my natural and I emphasize the word natural wonders firm.”
“It’s a family blog, La Flor.”
“What I say? Lighten up, Ray. Get real. It’s not the Victorian age. Become comfortable with yourself and people will become comfortable with you.”
“Something like you,” I said.
The doorbell rings.
“Exactly. Get the door, it’s probably LC with his arms loaded with gifts for me and he can’t open the door.”
I take a step toward the door. I hear footsteps, it can only be …
“How’s it going beautiful, tough, and edgy and I misses you more than you know every man’s heart throb?” said Big Carmen.
“Hi Big Carmen,” I said.
“I come here to talk to the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. For you, I give you a word, hi,” said Big Carmen.
“Are you upset I didn’t take the job?”
Big Carmen turned toward me, “Upset? Upset? Why woulds use use that milder than my Wednesday night special white cheese pizza, special this week for four ninety nine when use buy eight cannoli for three bucks each word?”
“Something wrong?” I asked.
He turns toward La Flor, “Beautiful, tough, and edgy one, coulds use stop with the bouncing up and downs for a moment. I am getting dizzy with your beauty going back and forth so fast.”
La Flor stops half-way into a crunch. She stares at her abs. “I see a six pack forming. My dream. What is it BC, make it quick, I can’t hold this position for ever.”
“I needs use, but not the ways use thinks I needs use. I gots a question for use. Use may listen. Ray, but let the beautiful, tough and edgy one make up her own, personal, and I will add more brilliant than ten suns and four moons, and six iron stews mind.”
“Did you mean, Einstein?” I said.
“What I tell use abouts repeating what I say. What I say? Iron Stews.”
I pondered telling Big Carmen he repeated himself, but thought it unwise. Not because of him, but because La Flor was giving me a “don’t screw this up” look.
“Yes?” said La Flor flirting with her eyes at Big Carmen.
“Use eyes do something to make my heart have a murmur or someting. I don’t know how it happens. Anyways, there is this problem with someone use know. His name is TT. The cops arrested him. The fool was so happy with his job he thinks he can brags about it. He even text his brother who happens to be an undercover cop. I wants use to be his lawyer. I know use can get him off because use is beautiful, tough, and an edgy legal wizard.”
I said, “His brother turned him in?”
“It was his adopted brother, they’re not blood. But it is the only one he gots.”
“What’s he charged with?”
“Nothing. They want him to go into witness protection, which is a good ting and a bad ting. Now it is a bad ting. What’s that stuff use is making? Use not going to drink it?”
“It’s for La Flor. Part of her conditioning. It’s a power smoothie,” I said.
Big Carmen looked at La Flor, “Use wants to drink someting dat tastes worse than I can’t say because this a family blog and I don’t want use know who to reminds me again. I hate that.”
“What’s in it for me if I get TT out of witness protection?” said La Flor as calm as any Hollywood agent.
“Use gets to name use ticket right to da top of wherevers use wants to go,” said Big Carmen.
“I’ll need a new wardrobe. A personal trainer. A nail and hair tech on call 24/7 for starters. And, I want Ray for my legal assistant.”
“Use got it.”
“Ray, dump the smoothie and bring Big Carmen and me a glass of wine,” La Flor said.