I’m Admiring My Hands

“I haven’t seen your main squeeze all day. Did you guys split?” I asked La Flor.

“No, we didn’t split. But we’re not engaged anymore because you made me give the ring back. It was such a beautiful ring. It was so right on my finger and so wrong of you to take it away. I can only guess you don’t understand love,” said La Flor as she texted.

“Who are you texting?” I asked.

“Are you bored? Don’t you have something to do? I know I’m interesting, beautiful, tough, and edgy but I need some space. I was texting LC, if you must know. He’s at Vigeli’s School of Culinary Artists. Today’s his first day. He should be home any minute,” she said.

“I’m impressed. Vigeli’s school is exclusive. He only takes the most promising chef candidates into his classes. How did Little Carmen get in? He doesn’t seem like chef material.”

“The power of persuasion is the way I’d put it,” said La Flor.

“Little Carmen persuaded Chef Vigeli to take him into his classes?”

“No, LC is not in class. He has a better arrangement. Vigeli was persuaded to tutor LC one on one,” said La Flor now unfollowing every woman with what La Flor considered a bad hairdo.

“One on one tutoring? I don’t believe it. Chef Vigeli is a snob. He’s an elitist. He could never handle Little Carmen one on one.”

“He could if Big Carmen persuaded him,” said La Flor.

“Oh,” I said.

Then, the voice from the living room, “I’m home from school, beautiful, tough, and edgy lawyer, model, PI. Did I get them all?” said Little Carmen.

“Come in and give me a hug and kiss, I’m admiring my hands and don’t want to get up,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen bounded in as if he were a dog and the dog’s master said, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Kiss, hug, and squeeze.

“Now, LC. Sit down and tell Ray and me everything you learned at school today,” said La Flor.

I think I heard my mom ask me that same question, years ago.

“It was very thought prefabricating,” said LC. Did he mean provoking?

“How so,” I said.

“Clef Vigeli talked to me for five minutes then said we was going to do advance breakfast meals.”

“Treble or Bass Clef,” I asked.

“I’m not sure what’s his first name is. Reminds me to ask him tomorrow,” said LC. He got up went to the fridge, pulled out a beer. “I’m tursty, anybody else want something. He only got cheap wine, beautiful, tough, and edgy wine colonoscopy.”

I’m sure he mean connoisseur.

“Hurry up and tell Ray what you learned so we can get out of here. I’m getting the heebie-jeebies.”

Little Carmen took a long pull on his beer, hit his chest, and burped.

La Flor made a face. She started breathing through her mouth and fanning herself with her hands, “What is that smell? It’s awful? If you’re going to kiss me, you better brush and gargle.”

“Use smells my first creation, which I hads to eat. Lets me tell use. I would never make it or puts it on a menu. I figured it’s one of those breakfasts the snobbels eat.”

I also caught a whiff of the burp, started breathing through my mouth. I now have a hunch about Little Carmen’s first cooked meal.

Little Carmen sat up proud as a peacock, “Dis is exciting and complicit (I think he meant complicated). First I had to get a flat plate. There’s lots of them. I couldn’t choose one too big or one too small. It had to be just right (Is this a Goldilocks redo?). Then I had to put a piece of bread in the toaster. It seems simple, but it’s worse. Use can’t put it in sideways or upside down. Then I had to make sure the toast was perfectly brown on both sides. This took me six loaves to master. But I learned it. Then I had to spread peanut butter on the toast and give it a little twist at the end. I went through seven jars of peanut butter before I got it right. Vigeli was crying, he must have been so proud of me. Then I had to eat the peanut butter toast. I hates peanut butter almost as much as I hates toast.”

“What’s he going to teach you tomorrow?” I asked.

“I advance to putting jelly on top of the peanut butter.”

“Let’s get out of here. You and I need to talk.”

“Where to, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“The closest wine shop,” said La Flor.


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