My Puffed Male Ego Popped

“Life’s much better for me, Ray, now that LC is in Chef Vigeli’s Culinary School,” said La Flor skimming through hairstyles photos on her iPad. She turned her iPad toward me, “Think this style will look good on me?” she asked.

This is a no win question for any guy. We lose either way. I summed up my guy knowledge and said, “You are beautiful, tough, and edgy. You’d make any hairstyle look good.” I impressed myself. Nice answer, Ray.

“I suppose. But I want the truth,” said La Flor with a knowing look that I was scamming her.

I wanted to say “You can’t handle the truth,” just like Jack Nicholson. Bad move. I let it go. Here’s the truth, I was only singing half a song, “You choose your hairstyle. I will write the blog so that every alt ego woman wants to copy your style. You’ll be the trendsetter.” I ¬†am getting very good at this. I answered La Flor’s comeback with a sure fire win.

La Flor didn’t waste a second before she sent her volley to my backhand side, “I don’t care about them. I want to see LC drool. I want to hear him sigh. I want to see his knees get weak, buckle, and watch him collapse to the floor overcome with my beauty. I’m almost there. One more teeny push and he’s over the edge. As for you, drop the cute answers. Any woman can see right through them.”

“Oh.” La Flor took a knife and stuck it into my puffed male ego and I heard it pop.

Saved by …

“I didn’t knock because I use my burglar tools to get in,” said Big Carmen. “I also disarmed your alarm system. Reminds me to alarm it when I leave.”

I pay fifty bucks a month for an alarm system Big Carmen treats as Lego Blocks, the ads said burglars better beware, Something is wrong with this picture.

“How you doing good looking stud,” said La Flor speaking to Big Carmen. I was hoping she was talking to me.

“I’m doing a lots better now that I sees the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman of Little Carmen’s dreams.”

“Hi, Big Carmen,” I said.

“I didn’t come to talk to you, but since use is polite enough to say hi, hi,” said Big Carmen. He turned back to La Flor, “I gots a once in a lifeline propo for use.”

“I’m worn out from lawyering. My caseload is all booked up,” said La Flor.

“We got’s nobody under arrest. We do have a number of my business associates as persons of interest, but that is another matter.”

“What’s your propo?” said La Flor picking up on Big Carmen’s vocab.

“Charlie Sevini heads up LCM Pharmo. Charlie gots a problem. He likes to gamble, he loses a lot. He owes me lots and lots and so I now own half his company. I told him I wants use to be the company’s star in a nationwide ad for a beauty drug that will air on all the NFL games on opening week. I tooks the liberty to write the script for use. It will be on a teleprompter. Use will be dressed in such attire as to show the world your physical assets if use knows what I means.”

La Flor, playing it cool, took a sip of her coffee, “I’m really, really booked up, BC.”

“Do this as a fav for me and I will makes sure use gets your own dressing room, makeup artist, nail tech, hairstylist, and jewelry even if you’re not wearing it in the shoot. And, use get top dollar.”

“I want LC to be holding me in his arms and admiring my body with a glassy, lost look in his eyes,” said La Flor.

“Use got the hole (yes, he said hole) package.”

“Let me see the script,” said La Flor.

Big Carmen hands it to her. She starts reading it. “Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. I don’t know. That’s got to go.” She looks up at Big Carmen. I’ll do it if I can make a few insignificant changes to the script.”

“Use is my angel, beautiful, tough, and edgy. When does use want to shoots it?”

“Come by tomorrow so we can go over the script. You’ll love the changes I made. I have to check with LC since he’s going to be holding me in the shoot. He should be home any second from Chef school.”

“it’s good to see the boy has a drop of ambition. I tink dats all he’s got.”

The front door slams, “I’m home. Did use know the alarm is off, Ray?”

“Uh huh.”

“Let me tells use all what I learned to today. It’s ground beef breaking. It’s funnel a normal” (I think he meant phenomenal).

“How so,” I said.

“I learned two tings. One, if the toast is hot, the peanut butter melts on it. Not many people know that. Second, did use know jelly goes with peanut butter? Who would have figured. Clef Vigeli is so creativity.”

“Dis is what Leo is teaching use? How to makes peanut butter and jelly toast?” said Big Carmen. “He’s gonna have peanuts when I gets through with him.”

“Hey, it’s a family blog,” I said.

“I apple gees. I forgets,” said Big Carmen.

“I brought home the peanut butter and jelly toast I made so use guys can try it,” said Little Carmen opening up a Tupperware container with three triangles of peanut butter and jelly toast. He offered each one of us a piece.

“Not bad,” I said.

“Very good, how did use do the swirl with the peanut butter. Makes me think we could add a swirl to the mozzarella on the pizza. Did I mention tonight’s special is a large build it any style for seven ninety-two when use add a small salad for six eighty-four?” said Big Carmen.

“I prefer chocolate,” said La Flor. Then she added, “With white wine.”

 

 

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