He Didn’t Fall Far From The Olive Tree

I’m beginning to think I need to call my home Carmen’s East. Big Carmen and some associate, mostly Lil Carlo show up on a daily basis. He walks in without knocking. It doesn’t matter if the doors locked, the alarm triggered, or I have a welcoming mat for him.

I’m vacuuming when I hear, “Use don’t have to do dat.”

“Who’s going to do it?” I asked.

“My manager, TT. He can use the extra work. Hey, what a friends for?”

I said, “Is that a question you want me to answer or a statement?”

Big Carmen scratched his head, “It’s what I call don’t forget the favors I does for use or else. The reason I’m hear now is I’m keeping my bad eye on my kid, and my good eye on the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Know what I mean?”

Fool number one says, “No.” Fool number two, “Do you think that’s appropriate.” Before I answer I see Lil Carlo rubbing his hand gun against his cheek. His nose is almost as long as the gun’s barrel. I say, “Know what you mean.”

“Besides, I wants to hear her read the scriptomatic.”

Where does he come up with these words? Who understands him? I said, “You fellows want a beer? Wine? Kale chips? Carrot sticks? Protein Bar? Figs? Raw Almonds?’

Big Carmen interrupts, “Don’t use have no real food like my today’s special, tomato and basil vegetarian pizza with double sausage. Get a large one for three ninety-nine. Have us pick the sausage off, twenty-two seventy-one.”

“No. I didn’t realize it was today’s special,” I said.

“I’m gonna call Rocko. He’ll give us one of the pizza’s he’s delivering.”

“Do you think that’s fair to person waiting for the pizza?” I asked.

“Yah. If they’s gots a complaint, I send them to the complaint department.”

“You have a complaint department?” I asked.

“It’s me,” said Lil Carlo sliding a bullet into the chamber.

A voice from behind the bedroom door, “I’m ready. Are you boys ready? I’m only wearing jeans and a shirt. LC cut class yesterday, he didn’t want to miss two days in a row even though Chef Vigeli said he was tops in his class.

I wanted to shout, ‘He’s being tutored one on one, of course he’s tops and the bottom as well.’  Not worth it.

“Okay beautiful, tough, and edgy, We are disappointed we won’t get the full eye candy treatment but we understands,” said Big Carmen.

La Flor struts out in her poured into jeans, a white button shirt tied just above her navel, and her spikes. I thought both men were going to reach for angina tabs.

She walks to front of the TV, unbuttons the two top buttons of her shirt.

“This is a good start. People gonna love you. I don’t thinks use need LC.”

“I was thinking the same thing, you adorable creature.”

Big Carmen nudges Lil Carlo, “She got a way with the words.”

La Flor reads her script, “You girls want to look as good as me? Sorry, I won’t lie. It’s impossible. But, you can look lot better than you look now if you take the Post Puberty Pill, that’s PPP.  I made the tramp, my former protege, take this pill for a week, and you should see the difference. Firmer in the right places, all the cellulite gone in the wrong places, and her cell is busy with losers calling her for a date. What are you waiting for? You’ve been tied up with your loser for how long? The answer, long enough. Ask your doctor about a prescription. Don’t worry about the side effects. We have a cream for facial hair. An ointment for outrageously big pimples, and you won’t need birth control, you’ll be sterile after two doses.

“How did I do with the rewrites?” La Flor waiting anxiously for the applause.

Saved by the door crashing into the living room wall. Good thing I have the handyman on retainer.

“Did I miss it beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?” said Little Carmen carrying a pizza box.

Big Carmen forgot about his critique of La Flor’s rewrites, jumped up and went to embrace Little Carmen.

“Use did not fall far from the olive tree. Use making pizza at Vigeli’s? I’m so proud of use.”

“Nah. I grabbed it from Rocko. He was about to come in.”

“How did cooking class go today,” asked Big Carmen.

“Bass Clef Vigeli wants a parent conference.”

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