The following is a part of a series, sometimes serialized, sometimes spontaneous. It’s all farce. The characters are all fictitious and fun to be around. ENJOY!
LC, dressed in blue scrubs, paces back and forth across the living room. He stops at every turn to check his iPhone. Slips it back into his pants and commences walking. LC and La Flor turned my living room into an examination office. My smart TV is in my bedroom. A folding table with a white sheet is now the examination table. Life as I used to enjoy it is evaporating.
“LC, stop pacing, you’re making me dizzy,” I said.
“Use is getting dizzy? Whats about me. I’m the one doing the pacing and then the turning and then the pacing and then the turning . . .”
“Okay, continue pacing. What are you worried about?” I asked.
“How could use tell? Dis is like my beautiful, tough, and edgy woman’s first patient. She’s got special plans for Lil Carlo and I hopes they works. I tinks they will save his life.”
Save Lil Carlo’s life? Special plans? I don’t like the sound of this. “What kind of special plans does La Flor have in mind?” I ask.
Before LC can answer, cymbals crash, a cherry bomb goes off, a car backfires in front on my house. Then I hear, “Sorry about the wall, Ray. I’m here for my annual physical,” said Lil Carlo. All five feet two inches, one hundred and ten pounds, most of it in his nose and ears, walks into the living room.
Before I can say a word, Lil Carlo pats his windbreaker, “Tell the doc, I ain’t taking off my gun no matter what. I sleeps with it on. I showers with it on. I go to the can with it on. After I dump someone in the river, I go to confession with it on. So, I am not going to take it off.”
“Don’t worry about it, Lil Carlo. Use don’t have to take off use clothes for this inspection,” said LC.
“Do I has to bend over or anything like that?” said Lil Carlo a hint of fear in his eyes.
“No, that’s disgusting. The beautiful, tough, and edgy one never does anything disgusting,” beamed LC. Then he added, “Would use like a beer, glass of wine, or a shot of whiskey before use is examined?”
“I like this already. I’ll take all three if their free,” said Lil Carlo settling into the sofa.
“They is on the house because use is a milestone, not to be confused with a kidney stone. Make you self comfortable while I gets use drinks,” said LC.
A cooing voice from a bedroom, “LC let me know when Lil Carlo finishes his drinks, I’ll be out to examine him.”
Lil Carlo tossed down the shot of whiskey, drained a bottle of beer without coming up for air, swirled the wine in his mouth before sending it down his esophagus. “Not every day, burp, that I gets to be, burp, examined, burp, by eye candy, burp.”
What happened next will be written about in the Harvard Medical Journal. The Mayo Clinic will send a team to study the technique. Bill Gates will donate millions to spread the knowledge. It’s a family blog and I will keep it to the bare minimum facts. Speaking of the bare minimum.
Dr. La Flor walked into the living room with a stethoscope draped around her neck that one can only say was purchased at the Dollar Store. She was not wearing the traditional white coat, instead, she did her shopping at Fredericks of Hollywood, and was wearing a negligee.
Lil Carlo grabbed hold of his shot glass, held it straight out, the nurse practitioner, AKA LC, filled it. Lil Carlo tossed it down and held out his arm again.
Dr. La Flor sat of the sofa next to Lil Carlo. She put the plastic ends to the toy stethoscope in her ears, and placed the stethoscope on Lil Carlo’s forehead, “Your brain is working fine.”
She moved the stethoscope to Lil Carlo’s ears, “Your hearing is perfect. Why are you breathing so hard? Did you just finish working out?”
Lil Carlo attempted to speak, but, confused, he started singing, “A well’a bless my soul / What’sa wrong with me? / I’m itchin’ like a man in a fuzzy tree / My friends say I’m actin’ wild as a bug / I’m in love / I’m all shook up.*”
Dr. La Flor said, “I want to meet the lucky girl, Lil Carlo. Stand up, this is a special test I invented. Stand up.”
“My, my knees are weak, beautiful, tough, and edgy eye candy doctor,” said Lil Carlo.
“Come on, I’ll help you,” said Dr. La Flor taking hold of Lil Carlo’s hand. “Now, put your left foot in, Your left foot out, your left foot in, and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey And turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.”
“Dats whats it’s all about?” whimpered Lil Carlo.
“Yes. That’s what it’s all about. You passed. Tell Big Carmen you got an A plus on your annual physical.
“Use give me a reason to live another year. Use is the best doc I ev ah had,” said Lil Carlo.
“I am good,” said La Flor.
“Huh?”
*Lyrics from All Shook Up lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd
