One Hand Washes The Other and The Feet Too

“How’s the singing career going?” I asked La Flor. It wasn’t nice of me, but I couldn’t help myself.

La Flor looked up from her iPhone, “Better than expected.”

“Better than expected?” I was taken aback. I asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean Cher called me personally and said she loved the song.”

“She did? You spoke to Cher? She called on your cell? ”

“Yes to all the above. Actually, I put her on speaker phone so LC and Big Carmen could hear it. Big Carmen is Fed Ex a speciality pizza to Cher with all her fav toppings. BTW, she wanted permission for Sonny and her to so a duo with our song,” said La Flor.


“Are you listening, Sonny is what I said. We’re taking a few months off, so we don’t get burned out. Besides, LC gets bored easily. He mastered the air guitar and now he’s going to master the air piano. He promised to practice every day for an hour. He’ll master it by Christmas. We’ll be working on a Christmas album in the meantime. It’ll be out for the Black Friday hoo ha.”

A Christmas album. The Black Friday hoo ha? La Flor likes wine, but she doesn’t do drugs. LC likes beer, but he doesn’t do drugs either. I don’t know where La Flor and LC come up with this stuff. I’m a bit worried about me, I’m listening to them as if it’s true, and I’m clean.

“Excuse me, is that an iPhone X? You can’t pre order them for a couple of months. How did you get it? Can I see it?” La Flor hands it to me. I turn it over. I stare at it. I take a selfie. I want one. “How much did it cost?” I asked handing it back to La Flor.

She deleted my selfie, “I only have photos of me on my iPhone X. I didn’t pay anything. It was a gift.”

“A gift? From whom?”

“Big Carmen. LC and me sang our song at the pizzeria last night and BTW, we got a standing O. Big Carmen asked us to sing it three times. Each time we got a standing O. LC went crazy at the end and I let him. He let go with the best riffs anybody ever heard from an air guitar. I couldn’t help myself. As soon as he put his air guitar down, I did the leap, hold and kiss. Another standing O.”

“The Leap? A standing O? You know anyone?”

“The place was packed. It was mostly a family gathering. Lil Carlo, Vinnie, the 5th, Pepper, Whale, Tony, Fredo, TT and the tramp Carmela, and a couple of FBI agents.”

“FBI agents? This worries me.”

“Not to worry. They’re good friends with Big Carmen. They love pizza and cannoli.”

“How did Big Carmen get ahold of an iPhone X? Never mind, I don’t want to know.”

“Know what he said when he gave it to me?”

“No, what?”

“Big Carmen said, beautiful, tough, and edgy make my heart flutter, use voice makes my heart do palpitations. I gots a gift for use, I happen to have a friend of a friend of a friend and they all owes me big time. I says to the third friend. That is the friend of a friend of a friend, ‘I knows a sweet angel that woulds like the iPhone X’ (he actually said x, not ten). Like I always says with this original Carmen’s Pizzeria quote: One hands washes the other, and the feet too. Now I gives use the iPhone X with a special bonus, much like the added pepperoni I puts on my pizza every other Tuesday for the low price of seven, twenty-two with the purchase of a bottle of the house wine. Here’s the bonus, ‘If use don’t asks questions, use don’t get answers, and use never have to give answers use don’t have because use didn’t ask questions.”

“That’s deep,”

“He said more.”

“He did.”

He said, “When the FBI is eating your pizza, you eat pizza too; so’s use don’t talk with food in your mouth about what chu not supposed to be talking about.”

“Big Carmen is brilliant. I think he’s a philosopher. They’ll write books about him one day.”

Right after they throw the book at him, but I left the thought unstated.

La Flor’s staring at her new iPhone X, then shrieks, “How dare she. This does it. Ray, don’t let me out of your sight, I may do something you’ll regret.”

“Not you?”

“No. She’ll have it coming?”

Who’s La Flor talking about? Why is she upset? What will I regret? Come by tomorrow.


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