Day: September 21, 2017

“La Flor and LC we need to talk. Family discussion. I’ve got something that’s bothering me,” I said working on my fourth cup of coffee.

“Too much caffeine is gonna gives use the jitterbugs, Ray-mo. Maybe the runners,” said LC.

“I drink coffee when my anxiety cranks up,” I said in rapid speak. I need to buy an espresso machine, I’ll get my caffeine in one sip.

“It’s not your turn, Ray. Remember, I went first and we worked it out. We still have to have an intervention. My advice, get in line if you’ve got a problem. I heard Dr. Phil say this on a tough love segment.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll wait my turn. Let’s settle down. Where’s Big Carmen? Is he okay with it?” I asked.

“Two things. All Big Carmen knows is that you want to see him. And second, I’m not ready to settle down. LC would you pour me a glass of the good white wine, not Ray’s cheap stuff that ruins whatever he cooks. Add a few crackers and cheese to help me listen better,” said La Flor scrolling through her likes on all the social media.

“I is at use beak and call beautiful, tough, and edgy star of my dreams,” said LC.

Exit LC for five minutes.

Not again. The front door bangs against my wall, it bangs again, I hear a voice say, “Dat’s not good.” Then another voice, “Maybe he won’t notice it, move the lamp over.”

The handyman is now number one on speed dial.

Enter Big Carmen and his trusted lieutenant, Lil Carlo. Big Carmen stops at the entrance to the living room, he covers his eyes, pulls out his Ray-bans that hang over the third button of his shirt. The first two buttons left undone to show of his virility.

“I needs my shades to stop me from going blind from the glow of use beauty, beautiful, tough, edgy and sexy woman who might do a bit better than LC.”

I think I’m starting to understand the problem.

LC whispers to me, “I wish I coulds speak like Big Carmen. He can charm the ink off paper. He can tame a wild ballerina (I think he meant to say hyena). He can make woman fall all over him like he was a Castanova (He meant Casanova).”

La Flor, for her part, is no help, “Oh Big Carmen, you handsome lug. You say the sweetest things.” Thankfully, she didn’t do the leap. Instead, they meet halfway and hug, kisses on the cheeks barely avoiding the lips.

LC spoke up, He didn’t want La Flor and Big Carmen to have a moment, if you know what I mean. See, I’m now talking like these guys. LC said, “Ray-mo, tell Big Carmen whys he here.”

“Me?” I said pointing to myself.

“Tell him whats use said about the prevention,”

Big Carmen lets go of La Flor. La Flor glides over to the sofa and pats the seat next to her. Both LC and Big Carmen make for it. They slam the brakes. A knock at the door, a voice, it’s O’Leary saying what O’Leary says when he knocks on doors, “It’s the police, any donuts left?”

Big Carmen grabs me by the shoulders, “Did use rat me out?”

“No.”

“Why’s he here?”

“He’s LC’s friend.”

“He on the payroll, LC?” said Big Carmen.

“Do donuts count as being on payroll,” answered LC.

“No, but it’s a good start.Answer the door, Ray. We don’t want to keep the first responders waiting,” said Big Carmen.

La Flor helps out with the  sticky problem of where to sit when she slid to the middle of the sofa. LC went to her left. Big Carmen to her right. And La Flor right where she liked to be, in the middle of it all.

I walked O’Leary into the living room. His first words, “Hi Big Carmen I feel like I know you. The vice squad is always bringing up your name.”

“I hope what they has to say is good. Next time use sees them, tell them about my copper special, Free pizza on Saturday nights for cops in uniform.”

O’Leary looked crushed, “What about plainclothes cops?”

Big Carmen looked O’Leary up and down, “Yah, I feels sorry for use. Use clothes is plain enough. Use can have free pizza too. Now why we here.”

La Flor said, “Ray said, you were making a play for me and it’s making LC nervous because you’re so handsome, you’re blue eyes see right through me, and your muscles, oh your muscles, do you hit the gym every day?”

I thought LC was going to start crying.

Big Carmen looked at La Flor, then he looked at LC, then he looked at me, then he looked at O’Leary, “Use wearing a wire?”

“That’s only on TV. Nobody wears wires anymore. I like hanging out here. Ray wrote me in his blog.”

Big Carmen said, “Good to know who I gotta watch.” He jabbed an index finger toward me.  He took hold of La Flor’s hand, and said, “I only knows one way to say it …

O’Leary put his index and middle finger on his lower lip and blew. A wet, sloppy fizzing sound came out. “I can’t get the handle of the whistle. Not to worry folks, I took a workshop on family disputes. I only stayed until they were out of donuts, But maybe I learned something.”

Big Carmen said, “What kind of family, this family or the other family. Besides be quiet I got something to ask the beautiful, tough, and edgy every man’s heart throb.”

What is Big Carmen going to ask La Flor? Come back tomorrow to find out.