He Eats A Lot of Toad Food

“The ways I sees it, we can’t start an evolution till we gets donuts,” said O’Leary.

La Flor looked at me, “Write him out of the blog, Ray. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“Who’s getting electrocuted,” said Lil Carlo nudging Big Carmen.

“Last I heard, Sammy the Snitch got bumped off in the prison yard, so’s there’s no locution,” said Big Carmen.

“No, he’s meant to say election,” said LC.

“I thought we just had an election, like last week or something,” said La Flor.

“I prefers cannoli to donuts,” said Big Carmen. Then he added. “Cannoli and espresso make the world go round when use is stuck in a meeting.”

I’d had it. I’m going to intervene. “We’re here for an intervention. O’Leary you said you could lead it.”

O’Leary is pouting. “I need a donut. Use never have a meeting without a donut.”

“I begs to differs, O’Leary. When me and the family meet, we have wine, pasta, antipasto,  then two more courses. Everybody gets along better when the eat good stuff. You know what I mean?”

O’Leary nods, “I knows whats use mean, Big Carmen. But I’m an Irish cop. We got weaned on donuts.”

“I feels for use O’Leary. I’m gonna make a call. Use will gets use donuts in twenty minutes.” Big Carmen takes out his cell, “Vinnie, take Rocco and hit I mean pick up a few dozen assorted donuts for the O’Leary. Don’t forget to wear use ski mask and gloves.”

“Why are they wearing ski masks and gloves?” asked O’Leary.

“Donut shops are freezing cold, dats why they serve coffee with donuts,” said Big Carmen.

“Good point. Let’s begin. Who’s the person getting interviewed?” asked O’Leary.

La Flor, LC, Big Carmen, and Lil Carlo all looked at me. La Flor said, “Ray?”

Before I could answer, O’Leary said, “Good choice. I didn’t trust him the moment I come in dis blog. I can smell trouble a mile away.”

“It wasn’t trouble you smelled, I was stir frying tofu.”

“Toe food?” said Lil Carlo.

“He eats a lot toad food,” said LC.

“I rather starve,” said La Flor.

“I knows a guy who fries frogs, says there pretty good,” said Big Carmen.

“The frogs alive or dead when use fry them, Ray. If they’s alive I’m gonna book use on cruelty to frogs.”

“I don’t eat frogs.”

“What’s he do with them?” Lil Carlo asked Big Carmen.

I held up my hand, “Enough.”

O’Leary took out a pad and pen, “Use gonna make use confession.”

Lil Carlo said, “Use a cop and a priest?”

“My brother is a priest at St. Thomas. Me, I’m the cop.”

Lil Carlo nudges Big Carmen, “Remind me not to go to St. Thomas for confession after I sends a guy for a swim.”

“He’s talking about working out. Lil Carlo wants to be on the Olympic team,” said Big Carmen.

O’Leary came over and high fived Lil Carlo almost knocking the little guy over.

“La Flor who do you choose, Big Carmen or LC? We’ve got to end this.”

O’Leary said, “Can I get in on this?”

La Flor was about to speak when . . .

My door, a crack, thump, creek, and bang. A voice from the entry way, “Some tins wrong wit the door. It’s lying on the floor.

Vinnie and Rocco walked in carrying ten boxes of assorted donuts. O’Leary grabbed the stash from the two men and sat down. Vinnie walked over to Big Carmen, and handed him a wad of bills, “Dis was what was in the register.”

Big Carmen takes the wad of bills and offers it to O’Leary, “Dis is a little some tin for the cops Christmas party.”

O’Leary looked at his hands, each held a donut. He Lifted up his arm and motioned to his armpit. Big Carmen tucked the bills in O’Leary’s armpit. O’Leary pulled his arm down and pressed it tightly against his side. “Use is a saint, Big Carmen. Anybody says any ting bad about use at the station, they gots to answer to me.”

My crazy world, just got a little crazier. Oh, the other problem. Who’s La Flor going to choose?

La Flor stood up, walked over to Big Carmen, “If LC ever does me wrong, I’ve got you on speed dial, you big lug.” Then she kissed him on the lips to the applause of the everyone in the room, including LC.

La Flor, Big Carmen, and LC did a group hug. Lil Carlo had his hand in his coat pocket holding onto his gun. His eyes looking straight at me.


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