You’re Not Wearing That T-Shirt

La Flor, LC, and me are dining out at Lorenzo Trattoria. Upscale Italian. La Flor told, not asked, LC to ditch the Carmen’s Pizzeria T and wear a custom, athletic fit sports coat, expensive slacks, and Italian handcrafted shoes. Here’s how it went.

“LC, are you planning to wear that (La Flor’s pointing at LC’s T) to Lorenzo’s tomorrow evening?”

“Not this one, buts I have a dozen others. They fits me real good so use can see my pecs.”

La Flor said, “I will say this once. You have amazing pecs, a six pack, and guns, but you are not wearing the T-shirt.”

“I gots the first part about my amazing pecs and six pack, which I thinks might be an eight pack, but I missed the second part because I was dwelling on the first part.”

“What do I have in my hand, LC?”

“It looks like use iPhone X that no one else has,” said LC.

“And, what is my finger about to do?”

LC bends over and stares at the iPhone screen. He said, “Don’t. Please don’t. I heard use. I was only having fun. What do use want me to do. Please don’t call Big Carmen. Please, please, please.”

“Since you’re groveling, I won’t this time, but don’t let it happen again,” scolded La Flor.

“Whats do I has to wear. All I owns are jeans, muscle shirts, a couple speedos, gym trunks, and assortment of sox (yes, he said sox instead of socks), steel toed boots, and Nike’s.”

“You need a fashionable blue blazer, athletic fit of course, expensive pants that show off your trim waist, don’t forget an expensive athletic fitting white shirt and silk tie. While you’re at it, no Nike’s, get expensive, Italian custom made shoes and the right socks to go with the clothes.”

“I don’t have time tomorrow. I have to help Big Carmen, then I am at your beck and call.”

“That presents a problem. But, I have a solution.”

“You do/”

“Call Vinnie and Rocco, have them ask Joey the Tailer to go with you to fit you and make sure everything’s all right,” said La Flor.

I now see why Big Carmen has fallen head over heels for La Flor.

“Beautiful, tough, and edgy wonder woman, it’s ten O’Clock in the p.m. and nobody is open.”

“What would Big Carmen say?” said La Flor.

LC put his right hand to his jaw and gave the question serious thought. Then the light bulb went on. “Big Carmen said every store is open twenty-four seven if use now how to bypass the alarm, security, and leave no trace of use being in the store.”

“Well?” said La Flor.

“I’m gonna be gone for a few hours. Use need any ting, text me. I’ll keep it on vibrate. Ciao.”

“La Flor, did you just ask LC to kidnap Joey the Tailer and break into an expensive men’s store to get the clothes you want him to wear?” I said.

“I didn’t ask him to break in or any such thing. I know the law. Remember, I was a lawyer before I found it boring. I was just wondering how Big Carmen would handle the problem.”

“You know LC is a bit slower than a snail? You’re taking advantage of him.”

“One question, Ray. What’s worse, do what LC’s doing tonight or going to Lorenzo’s in a T? Duuh!

“La Flor!” I exclaimed.

“Ray, I am taking advantage of his amazing pecs, six pack, and guns, and his desire to be at my beck and call. Now, lets talk about what you’re wearing tomorrow evening.”




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