He Forgot To Put Down The Toilet Seat

The group of five people, three men, and two women, turned their attention from the figure on the folding chair to Farlo, Tina, and Joey G.

A no nonsense, buff, thirty something Hispanic woman, sat in the center of the group. She wore a black sports bra and black workout power tights. Her six-pack visible. She stared at Farlo for a moment, “It took you long enough, Farlo.”

Farlo said, “I was slowed down by the kid, Mia,” Farlo kept his eyes on the woman and pointed back toward the entrance with his thumb.

“Do you mean the creeping looking homeless guy that’s using you for a human shield?”

“That would be the one,” said Farlo.

A fiftyish, crewcut gray haired guy wearing a muscle shirt and sporting biceps that looked like an oversized orange was implanted in them said, “I heard about Filo sticking you with this job. The kid must be a piece of work.”

“You don’t know the half of it, Tango,” said Farlo. “He’s only been with one woman in his entire life.”

“That’s not true,” came Joey G’s voice from somewhere behind Farlo.

Farlo didn’t turn around, he growled, “You can’t count any woman where you were so drunk or stoned you can’t remember the event.”

“Okay, it’s one,” said Joey G.

The group of five laughed.

Farlo said, “Any luck with Harry J?”

Mia said, “Filo told us no rough stuff. What we’re doing now is an intervention. For the past two weeks, Harry Js been on a tough diet. We made him go straight vegan. No meat, no dairy, no fish, no life.”

A wiry, tall, thin, sandy haired guy said, “I object. I’m a vegan. It wasn’t punishment. It was more of a detox for Harry J. And, I’d appreciate it if everyone here would say, Vee Gan instead of Vay Gan. It’s insensitive to vegans when you purposely do that.”

“Chill,” said Mia. “Then she turned back to Farlo, “It’s been a long time since we hooked up. Too long. When we finish this, why don’t you and I head out to O’Rourke’s for a few beers and talk about where we’ll go for R & R?”

From behind Farlo, “I don’t believe this.”

Farlo said, “Can we go to O’Malley’s? It’s a bit quieter, and a more sophisticated crowd.”

From behind Farlo, “What are you going to do with the three women, you promised you’d meet?”

Mia looked at Farlo, “He hasn’t read the manual, has he?”

From behind Farlo, “I don’t believe this.”

“You already said that kid. Come up with a new line,” snarled Farlo.

Two guys, who looked like Navy Seals, who wouldn’t sit near the vegan guy looked at Mia. She nodded. They got up from their chairs walked passed Farlo, fist bumped him as they passed and sidled up to Joey G.

“I didn’t do anything. He made me do it. I was coerced. He’s a lunatic. He’s nuts. He needs to be locked up,” screamed Joey G.

Farlo half turned, “Stuff it, kid. Suck it up.”

“I don’t want to suck it up,” said Joey G.

The two Navy Seal looking guys picked Joey G up and carried him to the front of the group. Mia, who in the meantime got another folding chair and placed it in front of Harry J. The two Navy Seal guys sat Joey G in the empty folding chair and then took a step toward Harry J. They stood on either side of Harry J. They turned and faced the group. Harry J was awake, but he had his eyes closed tight.

Mia said, “It’s time Harry J. Or should I use your real name?”

“No. Don’t blow my cover,” said Harry J, his eyes still closed.

“We won’t blow your cover, if you’ll open your eyes,” said Mia.

Harry J opened his eyes. He stared at Joey G. Joey G stared back at Harry J.

“What am I supposed to do, Farlo?” asked Joey G.

Farlo grumbled, “Sit still and be quiet.”

“I can do that,” said Joey G sitting still and being quiet.

Harry J said, “You know me?”

Joey G made a zipper motion that his lips were sealed and he couldn’t speak.

Harry J said, “Farlo? You ever get this kid to read the manual.”

“He refuses to read the manual. He thinks it doesn’t exist.”

“What’s he got, cauliflower rice for brains?” Harry J snarled.

“Kid, I’m going to give it to you straight,” snarled Harry J sounding as he were doing a Farlo impersonation.

Joey G shrugged his shoulders, made off like he was bored.

“Your mom’s doing time. I’ll give her credit. She’s handling it well. She’s got another four years before she can come up for parole. Maybe she’ll get it, maybe she won’t. She has a trigger point temper.”

Joey G broke the code of silence, “How do you know her?”

“We shacked up for a week, thirty-four years ago. I thought it was a perfect match until she blew a fuse when I forgot to put the toilet seat down. Hey, it’s a guy thing women don’t understand.”

The vegan interrupted, “Sensitive males understand.”

“So?” said Joey.

“I’m your father,” said Harry J.

“My father? I don’t believe you,” said Joey G.

“It’s true, kid. Farlo sent in your DNA for comparison. One-hundred percent certainty.”

“Some father,” said Joey G.

“Some son,” said Harry J.

“Okay, you two, get up and hug. Me and Farlo can feel romance in the air,” said Mia.

Harry J stood. Joey G stood.

Joey G said, “Dad, can you help me out of a jam tonight?”

“What is it son?” asked Harry J.

“I’m supposed to meet two women at O’Rourke’s tonight. Would you like one?”

“What are we waiting for, Joey G?” said Harry J wrapping his muscular arms around Joey G.

“Dad, one more question?”


“Who’s Filo?”

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