1 – They May Be The World’s Worst Detectives


Gillis walked around the corpse, stared at the moonless sky and turned to his partner of five years, “Never seen anything like it, Dill. How many years I been doing this? Ten, fifteen, twenty? I lost count after eight. How about you?”

Oscar “Dill” Pickle, took a sip of Quick Trip coffee, “I don’t understand your question, Gills. You asking me how many years you been doing this? Or, are you asking me if I ever seen anything like this? As for the answer to the first question, can I phone a friend? As for the answer to the second question, I been doing it since I started doing it. I tell you one thing or maybe four things, Gill, it’s enough to to turn your stomach turn. It’s a rough one. We’ll never locate any next of kindles.”

“No need to phone a friend because I think I’m the only friend you have, Dill. Anyway, I think the word you meant to use is kin, not kindles,” said Gillis flicking through Instagram photos on his iPhone app.

“I think you’re mistaken, Gills. Like, if you says to me, ‘Dill, kin you get me a coffee.’ I answer, ‘I kin do that.’ See what I’m saying?” 

Gillis  scratched his balls with his left hand. He said, “I think I got jock itch or crabs. I’m not sure what it is. You know if you can get crabs from eating seafood? I eat lots of shrimp. Be that as it may, kin, kindles, kinetics, it’s all the same, Dill.” 

“You got that right, Gills. FYI, the crabs you got don’t come from crabs. If crabs came from crabs all the crabs would have crabs, see what I’m saying?” said Pickle.

“I’m trying to wrap my head around it, you got a way of getting very deep, Dill. As a matter of fact, I don’t like crabs,” said Gillis still scratching.  “You know what’s good for crabs?”

Pickle shook his head yes, “Tabasco sauce goes good with them. You can also flavor them with lemon or Sriracha. If you’e been eating crabs without the seasonings, I can see why you don’t like them.”

Gillis struggled to come up with an answer. Dill had a heart of gold and a brain traveling at the speed of light on a different wave length. He finally responded, “Great advice, Dill. I’ll mention it to my gynecologist at my annual physical.”

“That’s why you’re so healthy, Gills. I got to follow your example. I need a good gynecologist,” said Pickle.

Gillis carried his Philly Cheesesteak sub and walked around the deceased, “I got a question I don’t understand. Why us? Why did Captain Courageous give this case to you and me? It doesn’t make sense. If they ranked all the detectives in the department, I got to put you and me at the top of the list. There’s something funny going on, Dill. It doesn’t smell right to me.”

“First of all, Gills, it doesn’t smell right because I think the deceased has been deceased for a few hours before he was found. That’s where the funny smell comes from. Take a look at the bright side. Who else is Courageous got that has the chops to solve this case? Here we are at Folsom Sampson’s mansion investigating a murder his administrative assistant reported. Rumor has it, Sampson and the mayor’s wife may be more than social friends if you know what I mean.”

“That’s true, Dill. At the same time, rumor has it that Mayor Gibson is doing more than socializing with Courageous’s wife. None of that has nothing to do with this case. Did I just use a double negative in the same sentence?”

Pickle scratched is butt, “If you are trying to be grammatically correct, you were spot on. They changed the grammar rules so a double negative is now correct.”

“When did that happen?”

“I think it happened while we were playing eight ball at Rovers last week,” said Pickle. “Question. Can you catch crabs by hearing someone talk about them?”

“I don’t think so. I haven’t heard of anyone catching them by listening to it. I heard you can catch crabs by sitting on a toilet seat,” said Gillis scratching his groin. He stooped over the decease. Then looked up at Pickle. “I’m going to cut to the chase. This is a friggin monkey.”

“Calm down, Gills. Courageous said the mayor wants results and he wants results fast. His wife is demanding results. That’s why the thing between the mayor’s wife and Sampson is important.”

“I suppose, Dill. Say we catch the killer or killers, what are they going to get? I don’t think it’s a crime to kill a monkey, I don’t care how large it is.”

Pickle continued to scratch his butt, “I sat on a toilet at the burger place. You think the seat had crabs? I think I got them. I can feel them crawling all around. You don’t think they’ll go up my colon, do you?”

”I hope not. Maybe Wendy will know. She’s the ME on duty. I won’t let her know I’m talking about us because she has the hots for me. If she thought I had crabs, it might be a turnoff.”

“On the other hand, Gills, it could be a turn on if she’s into seafood. I know some buffets where you can eat all the Alaskan crab you want,” said Pickle.

Gillis stared off into space wondering where Pickle took a wrong turn. He shook the cobwebs out of his head, glanced at the monkey and said,  “We got a decapitation. The perp or perps, as the case may be, left the monkey-head next to the body. The deceased’s eyes got gouged out. All his teeth been yanked out. All you can hope is that the deceased was deceased before he was deceased.”

“You ever thought of writing, Gills? You got a ways with words. I hopes the deceased was deader than dead because if he wasn’t there’s no way he wasn’t going to feel what was happening, especially when he got his head cut off,” said Dill swirling Dr Pepper in his mouth like mouthwash. 

“Good thing you put yellow crime scene tape up to keep the reporters from trampling all over the crime scene. Why’d you think the eyeballs were gouged out? Would a normal person gouge out monkey eyeballs? Why are you taking photos with your iPhone? The lab team will take all the crime photos we need.” asked Gillis.

“Dill stooped down next to the decapitated monkey head, looked up at Gillis, and said, “My girlfriend, Chiquita, gets turned on by crime scene photos.”

“I thought you were going with Elaine?” said Gillis.

“Chiquita changed her name legally from Elaine to Chiquita to help her career. She’s into movies. About the eyeballs. It’s normal to gouge out monkey eyeballs. Say the killer had cataracts. I hear monkey don’t get cataracts. That means you can replace your eyes with monkey eyes and never worry about getting cataracts. If this is the case, I think it’s normal. What’s not normal is if the killer deep fried them. I’m not sure what goes good with fried monkey eyeballs.”

Gillis scratched his head with his can of soda and said, “Anything deep fried tastes good, even monkey eyes. I like ketchup on anything deep fried. Hell, I’d eat a dirty sock if it was deep fried and I could put ketchup on it. Can I ask you a question without you being offended?”


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