15 ~ Gillis & Pickle Want to Help the Captain Fight His Demons

15

Courageous self consciously adjusted his tie. He walked to front of his desk and bent over,  resting his belly on his thighs, and stretched to reach his family photo. 

“Yeow!” Courageous yelped after nicking his right forefinger on a glass shred. He stuck his finger into his mouth. Showing off his dexterity, he reached for his handkerchief with his left hand. He took his finger out of his mouth and wrapped his handkerchief around his forefinger. 

“If I may, Cap,” said Gillis. “You stuck a germ ladened finger in your mouth. That’s like chewing on a stick of lit dynamite. Whatever you’re carrying, you’ll spread it the secretary when you French kiss. I’d cancel our meeting and go to a clinic and get a tetanus shot.” 

“Gills is right, Cap. Think of your dirty finger as a terrorist’s weapon. What’s the department going to do if you drop dead right now? You’re our leader. Who will take care of Clara’s sexual needs? What’s your blood type in case you need a transfusion? Me and Gills will be first and second in line to give blood,” Pickle’s voice rose two octaves.

Courageous stared at his handkerchief wrapped finger. He reached into a desk drawer and pulled out a small bottle of mouthwash. He took the cap off, and took a swig and swirled the mouthwash around. Courages’s eyes grew large, he looked around for a place to spit out the mouthwash. 

Gillis, ever quick on human observation, said, “Spit it into your handkerchief, Cap. You’ll do double duty with it. It will also kill germs on your severed finger.”

Courageous took Gillis’s advice and watched the excess drain down on his shirt’s cuff. He said, “My finger is not severed. It’s only a tiny scratch.”

Pickle jumped in, “Gills you should have mentioned the possibility of the mouthwash once it was spit out being contaminated with more germs than was on the finger.”

Gillis looked at Pickle, “Good point. I hadn’t considered that angle.”

Courageous made a mental note to ask the chief to transfer the two morons. The only thing stopping him from doing it now was he and his secretary, Clara, were going to have dinner together. He already took Viagra so he’d be ready when the moment arrived. 

Courageous needed to get them out of his office. They were making his stomach hurt, his heart race, and his anus twitch. He said,  “Listen up Gillis and Pickle. The Mayor called because Sampson is the Mayor’s best friend. Sampson called the Mayor after you two left his home. You see where I’m going?”

Gillis raised his hand, “If I may sir. I’m not following. You lost me when you said the Mayor and Sampson are BFFs. You think the Mayor’s an accomplice?”

Courageous reached into his top left drawer. He considered his choices, a Smith and Wesson to kill both or commit suicide. Or, to overindulge in a large box of Tums. He grabbed the Tums, popped the top and shook a handful of Tums into his palm. He put the handful into mouth and began chewing. The Tums slowly turned into dry powered mush inside his mouth. He couldn’t swallow the powdered mush without liquid. 

“Pardon me, Cap,” said Pickle. “I’m certified with the Heimlich maneuver. Raise your hand if you’re choking. No, forget it, I let that certification lapse. I won’t be able to legally help you. Are you certified, Gills?”

Gillis turned his head toward Pickle, “I’m certified on the gun range. I’m certified to donate blood. I’m certified as being free from any sexually transmitted disease, but I’m not certified to do the Heimlich. Sorry, Cap,” said Gillis.

Courageous rushed out of the office. Gillis and Pickle could hear him coughing from the adjoining room. Gillis tapped Pickle, “If we hear a loud thump, we can assume Cap died of a heart attack and our meeting is cancelled. It’d be best to leave the back way.”

“He’s so close to retirement, Gills. I hope he makes it. I believe you and me are the only two detectives who have his back,” said Pickle.

“And, don’t think he doesn’t appreciate it,” said Gillis. Then he added, “If he does croak, I won’t be surprised if he gives everything to us in his will and leaves his wife and children and of course his mistress Clara out of it.” 

Courageous interrupted the conversation walking back into the room with multi chalk colored lips and cheeks. He returned to his place behind his desk and folded his arms across his chest. His right forefinger was still wrapped in his handkerchief. 

Courageous said, “The Mayor is not an accomplice. Sampson is not a suspect. He considered Till his best friend. Which one of you destroyed Mr. Sampson’s aquarium? Well?”

“Neither one of us, Cap,” said Pickle.” I saw the whole thing. It was Sampson who broke the aquarium. Gillis wasn’t even close to it. I’d take a lie detecter test on this one, Cap.”

“Well, you might have to take a lie detecter test, Pickle. His rare fish collection was worth millions.”

“You got to be kidding me, Cap. He had a dozen tiny fish, if you could call them fish and together they’d all fit in my hand. Sampson, is a lying, no good, lower than worm poop, butt kissing, nose picking …”

“Stop!” hollered Courageous.

“Excuse me, Cap. I was saving my best descriptions for the end. Like you always say, end on a high note,” said Pickle.

Before Courageous could speak, Gillis said, “That’s true, Cap. If Sampson denies breaking his own aquarium, he’s a lying, mealy mouthed, trash talking, mother fu …”

“Don’t you dare use that word on Mister Sampson, Gillis,” barked Courageous. 

“What word, Cap? Mother or fuc…..”

“Both words together or I will personally suspend you without a hearing,” stammered Courageous.

“No need to get so hot, Cap. Me and Pickle will take a lie detector. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time and this is the best time,” said Gillis.

“You’re going to ask for a transfer?” Courageous asked hopefully.

“No way, Cap. We’ll never leave you alone to fight your demons. It’s got to be hell knowing your wife is doing the mayor, the mayor’s wife is doing Sampson, your mistress is doing Santiago over in robbery, and you’re stuck with a bottle of Viagra and no place to go,” said Gillis.

“My wife? The Mayor? Sampson? Clara? Santiago?”

“That sums up this case, Cap. Excellent the way you pieced it together.”

 

© Ray Calabrese 2018

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