Vinnie’s Mom Wanted a Girl


Vinnie’s mom and dad tell Vinnie everyone needs a break. Vinnie’s mom and dad go in their bedroom and close the door behind them. Vinnie, Rupert, and Dexter head to the kitchen. Dexter’s favorite room. 

Vinnie’s mom sits on the edge of the bed. She pats a space on the bed next to her. Vinnie’s dad, well trained, walks to the edge of the bed, turns and sits down next to Vinnie’s mom. 

“Well?” asks Vinnie’s mom.

“Well, what?” answers Vinnie’s dad.

“Well, what are you going to tell him about Joey’s dad being horny?” says Vinnie’s mom.

“I don’t know. This never came up in birthing classes,” says Vinnie’s dad.

“It’s TV. We need to get rid of the TV,” says Vinnie’s mom.

“What will we do without football, basketball, and baseball, not to mention golf, winter and summer olympics. You’ll miss the food channel and the home fixer upper channels,” argues Vinnie’s dad as if he’s giving the closing summation in the trial of a serial killer.

“You have to do something. Talk to him man to man,” says Vinnie’s mom.

“He’s only eight years old. I can’t talk to him man to man,” says Vinnie’s dad.

“Then talk to him man to boy, father to son. Dear, he has an overload of your DNA. You have to take responsibility. You know I wanted a girl. But no, you said the first child should be a boy and you read that Indian book on positions more likely to produce a son instead of a daughter. Well … ?” says Vinnie’s mom.

“Do I have to?” asks Vinnie’s dad.

“You sound just like Vinnie. Yes, you have to,” says Vinnie’s mom. “What’s that smell? It smells like the turkey bacon I cook in the skillet for you. Oh, no. Do you think …”

“Yes. He’s cooking turkey bacon,” says Vinnie’s dad.

In the kitchen, Vinnie pulls the last piece of turkey bacon out of the skillet. He dangles it in the air to cool it. The dangling of the turkey bacon has a hypnotizing affect on Dexter. Dexter’s eyes sway like a metronome in four four time. Dexter is lying on the floor. Rupert is sitting against him. Dexter knows this is the easiest gig in the world for a dog.  Don’t move, let a stuffed animal sit against your side and be paid with food for performing this difficult act.

Vinnie’s mom is first to reach the kitchen. “Vincent, what are you doing?”

“I taught Dexter a new trick, Mom. I taught him to lie of the floor and take care of Rupert for me. Look, he’s real good at it,” said Vinnie putting the last piece of turkey bacon next to Dexter’s mouth. 

Dexter’s tongue is quicker than the hands of a blackjack dealer in a Vegas casino. The turkey bacon vanishes into the cosmic space of air, a beagle’s tongue, and a beagle’s digestive track.

Vinnie’s mom turns the stove off. She says, “Vincent, you could have burned the house down. Do you know how dangerous this was?”

Vinnie gives his mom a quizzical look, “I don’t think so, Mom. Look at Rupert. I put the fire extinguisher next to him. If anything happened, Rupert would be all over it.”

Vinnie’s mom turns and faces Vinnie’s dad, “Say something.”

“Looks like he thought of everything. Can we continue playing the game?”

“Dear Mother of God, please ask your Son why,” says Vinnie’s Mom.

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