Vinnie’s Mom Must Have Super Powers

29.

 

Vinnie’s dad pulls into the driveway. He glances out the driver’s side window. No one is waiting on the porch; the front door is closed. He doesn’t hear Dexter howling. His mind races through a half dozen scenarios and none of them good. He takes a deep breath and begins talking to himself, “Okay, Al, it’s go time. Vinnie caused problems, Marti’s having trouble coping. Do not look at your cell. Do not ask her about dinner. Do not ask her about her day. You’ve got to be sensitive.”

Vinnie’s dad’s mind scrolls through every mental file he has searching for a clue to help him prove to Marti he’s a sensitive male. He slams the mental breaks when he recalls viewing an old Seinfeld episode two nights earlier. Seinfeld used the phrase, ‘I’m here for you.’ He decides it is the perfect sentence for any male demonstrating a sensitive side.

Vinnie’s dad crosses over the lawn, impresses himself with his athletic ability by leaping over the three steps and landing on the porch. He opens the front door and says, “I’m home.”

From the kitchen, “Make sure you wipe your shoes off, I vacuumed and don’t want you tracking any grass into the house.”

Vinnie’s dad glances down at his shoes and sees grass shavings stuck to them. He says, “How did you know I have grass shavings on my shoes?”

“You walked across the lawn, right, Al?”

“Were you looking out the window? How did you know I walked across the lawn?”

From the kitchen, “You walk across the lawn every time you drive home from work.”

Vinnie’s dad’s mind processes the voice tone of Vinnie’s mom. He assumes everything is okay. He doesn’t have to use his Seinfeld line. Instead he says, “I can see why you’re in Mensa. I wish I had your memory, Marti.”

“Why didn’t you ask me about my day? I wanted you to ask me about my day. What was so important you couldn’t text me and tell me the important news. I’ve been on pins and needles all day wondering what it is. Al, you’ve got to come in the kitchen and tell me.”

“Marti, you know when I crossed the lawn instead of taking the sidewalk?”

“You didn’t.”

“Didn’t what, Marti?”

“You know what I’m talking about. Did you let Dexter out the front door this morning instead of into the backyard?”

“How did you know?”

“I’m beginning to smell what you stepped in. Al, take your shoes off, take them outside and clean them. Do not come back into the house until your shoes are odorless.”

“Do I have to? Can I toss them in the trash and buy a new pair?”

“You bought those shoes for court last weekend.”

Vinnie’s dad kicks off his shoes, holds them at arm’s length, turns back toward the door and tosses the shoes onto the lawn.

From the kitchen, “Al, get disinfectant and wash the entry way. I don’t want Dexter’s poop in our house.”

“Can I have a beer first and tell you the big news?”

“No! Stop acting like Vinnie.”

“What’s for dinner?”

“I’m sautéing tofu, onions, and broccoli and we’ll have it with brown rice. You’ll love it.”

“I think onions give Vinnie gas.”

“Dear Mother of God, help me, please.”

“What’s the problem, Dear,” says Vinnie’s dad.

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