Vinnie’s Mom Can’t Catch a Break



Later that night . . .

Vinnie’s mom and Vinnie’s dad sit on the sofa catching a Netflix movie. Vinnie’s mom is munching on a bowl of air popped popcorn. Vinnie’s dad is snacking on a bowl of vanilla bean ice cream and chocolate cookies.

Vinnie’s mom glances at Vinnie’s dad. “You want me to tell you how many calories you’re consuming?”

“Un uh. When does the movie end, maybe I can catch the fourth quarter of the football game,” asks Vinnie’s dad.

Vinnie’s mom reaches over and takes one of Vinnie’s dad’s chocolate chip cookies. She takes a bite, “These are really good, where did you buy them? They’re fresh. I think I’ll save you the calories and finish it for you.”

“That’s not fair, Marti. Vinnie only gave me two chocolate chip cookies. He said he needed two for himself and two for Rupert.”

“I knew it. I knew it,” says Vinnie’s mom taking another bite of the chocolate chip cookie.

“Knew what, Marti,” says Vinnie’s dad moving his bowl of ice cream and remaining chocolate chip cookie out of Vinnie’s mom’s reach.

“Joey’s mom baked these cookies and she gave them to Vinnie. Only God knows what he ate at her house.”

Vinnie’s dad stifles himself from saying, ‘well Vinnie know.’ Instead he says, “Can you ask Martha for the recipe?”

Vinnie’s mom pauses the Netflix movie.

“Why are you pausing the movie. I’ll miss the last quarter of the game.”

“Al, there is no live game tonight.”

“There’s a game on every night in the fall. It’s why I have to super premium sports channel package from cable.”

“Do you know how much that costs a month, Al?” asks Vinnie’s mom.

“I don’t think about it,” says Vinnie’s dad.

“Record your game, Al. You can watch it later.”

“It’s not the same. I’ll know the outcome.”

“Al, what are we going to do about Vinnie going to work. He wants to go with Mike. You’re going to be defending the mob. It’s a no-win situation. I have a thought.”

Vinnie’s dad looks up from checking scores on his iPhone. “Huh?”

“Al, please close your iPhone and pay attention, we’re trying to have a conversation about Vinnie and his choice for going to work day.”

“Do I have to?” A stare and a pause. “Okay. What’s your thought?”

“I was thinking Vinnie could shadow Father Pete. Father Pete is into soccer. He’s the chaplain for the university’s football team.”

Vinnie’s dad bites his bottom lip and tilts his head up slightly. After a moment, he turns toward Vinnie’s mom and says, “What has Father Pete done to hurt you? Did he give you a hard penance in confession?”

“It was only a thought? Spending a day with Vinnie will make Father Pete happy he took a vow of celibacy,” says Vinnie’s mom breaking into a belly laugh.

Vinnie’s dad says, “Here are Vinnie’s choices. First, Mike. Then, Gino. Next, Tony Meloti. Then  . . .”

“Hold on, who’s Tony Meloti? I never heard of him.”

Vinnie’s dad says, “If I tell you, give me your word you won’t get hysterical or tell anyone else.”

“Oh. Do I need a glass of wine first?”

“Maybe a bottle.”

Vinnie’s mom takes hold of Vinnie’s dad’s forearm, “Please, Al. Don’t tell me Tony Meloti is a hitman?”

“No, nothing like that, as far as I know.”

“As far as you know? What does that mean?”

“I’m only teasing with you. You’re watching too many movies.”

“I only watch romantic comedies.”

“They’re the worse kind. Tony is a professional. Mike says Tony’s works in customer service.”

“Mike has someone just for customer service? I’ve never heard of a bar doing that. Did you ask him what exactly it is that he does?”

“Un uh.”

“Oh dear.”

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