Tina takes a deep breath, “I’m gonna pretend there is this very beautiful, intelligent broad I know and I will call her Pattie. Pattie has a therapy dog. One day Pattie goes to a neighborhood bar and lets herself get sweettalked by the best sweet talker in the whole world. He’s so good at sweettalking she asks him to move in with her that day, which he does because his only other choice is to keep living in the same apartment house with his mother. Pattie’s got a job at Chipotle stuffing burritos. That’s all she does, stuff one burrito after another, until all she can dream about are burritos. It’s like she’s working twenty-four hours a day at Chipotle. All the while the guy who sweet talked her is sitting in her apartment with her therapy dog watching TV.”
Nick interrupts, “This is very disturbing. You give me this creep’s name, I will put some hurt onto him. Pattie sounds like she is the second best woman in the world, with you, being the best.”
Tina says, “See what I mean?”
Joey interrupts, “I think you meant to say, hear what I’m saying because I can’t see what you’re saying since you are not writing it.”
Tuna touches Tina’s forearm, “I feel your pain, beautiful broad. Poor Pattie doesn’t have a life. There has got to be more in life than the life she’s got. Is this what I hear you saying?”
Tina looks at Tuna and blurts, “Please tell Maria, it’s over and you found someone new.”
Tuna laughs, “No can do, beautiful broad. It is a tempting offer. I will tell you something about Maria. Josephine Juliano tried to put the moves on me a long time ago. Maria gave her the warning and the look. Both of which are enough to put frost on a window in July. Josephine keeps putting the moves on me. For my part, I am savvy enough to know there are some lines you can cross and some lines you are a fool to cross. I knew what was going to happen. I go home and there is Maria burning incense and chanting. When she finished I asked her who she put a curse on. I already knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from her. She says Josephine. I ask her what kind of curse she give her. She starts laughing. She tells me the next time Josephine has sex with her boyfriend, the condom is going to break and she will have triplets and gain seventy-five pounds.”
Tina says, “Did the curse work?”
Tuna laughs, “No. Josephine only got twins and gained an extra forty pounds.”
Tina says, “Does life get any better than coming here every day to drink and leave and to go to Chipotle and make burritos?”
Nick says, “What’s wrong with that? Burritos is like the second best food in the world with pizza being the first best food. This common knowledge. Does Pattie work the same shift as you at Chipotle?”
Tina stares at Nick, “You don’t got a clue. Tell me your idea of what life is all about.”
Nick pour a shot, tosses it down, starts coughing, and hits himself in the chest with a closed fist. When his coughing attack stops, he says, “Far as I’m concerned, my life is going nowhere but I’m getting there fast. It’s what’s life is all about. You get up, you go to the can. You do your business. You get off the can. You shower. You eat breakfast and count the minutes until The Lucky Canary opens. This is what life is all about.”
Legos pours himself a shot and tosses it down.
“You get free sour dills and salted nuts and pickled eggs if you come here after three. It’s like meals on wheels only The Lucky Canary don’t have wheels,” says Tony.
The Tuna says, “I think I’m getting a clue to where this conversation is headed.”
Legos thinks, “Yah, right into the black hole.”
James says, “Before we go further, what about the alibi?”
Nick says, “What did you do, James. You need an alibi? I don’t know you from nowhere, but I’ll give you an alibi, since any friend of the Tuna is a friend of mine. Someday, maybe I will need an alibi and you know how it goes, one hands scratches the other hand.”
“I think you mean washes the other hand,” says James.
“No, I wash my hands, my hands don’t wash my hands. If I have an itch on this hand, this hand scratches it, I don’t think you are going to scratch an itch on your hand with your foot,” says Nick.
Tina interrupts, “I thought we were talking about my question.”
“What we’re we talking about?” asks Joey.