Tony says, “Tune, Nick wants to know why you hired Joey as a bodyguard seeing Joey’s only five feet three inches tall and so skinny he don’t have a shadow.”
Joey interrupts the flow, “What do you have against short, skinny people? Somebody got to stand up for short, skinny people. It’s been a curse I had since I was born. When I was a baby my mommy made me sleep in a shoe box. I’m so short I’m always getting overlooked. My parole officer told me I was so short I’d never reach my goals. I couldn’t even get a job as a short order cook . . .”
“What is this, Comedy Central, with all the one-liners?” says Tuna. The Tuna continues, “Where did you get this idea I hired you as a bodyguard?”
Joey takes a sip of cheap beer. He says, “I never told nobody I was your bodyguard. When Nick said it, it was the first time I heard about it. Thanks, Tuna. Do I get medical? What about vacation? Do I get an allowance for things like parking tickets, chewing gum, and fountain sodas? Can I pack a gun, do you want me to carry a knife for close up work?”
Tuna takes Tina’s Jack Daniel bottle and shot glass, he fills the shot glass and tosses it down.
“No offense, Tuna, it’s my Jack Daniels,” says Tina.
“Don’t start, beautiful broad, I’m dealing with three guys driving over the speed limit in the passing lane going nowhere,” says Tuna.
Legos brings over another bottle of Jack Daniels. “On the house.”
“You got three guys causing you trouble?” asks Nick. “Me and Tony and Joey can talk to them and screw their heads on straight if they heads is screwed on wrong.”
Tony jumps in, “My plumber buddy, Pete, says that’s cross breeding.”
Legos calls over, “You mean cross threading.”
“I’m not talking about sewing. You don’t know nothing, Legos,” says Tony.
Joey says, “You talking about cross threading, cross breeding, or cross dressing? I got a hard time keeping them straight. I don’t do neither one. I don’t cross thread, cross breed, or cross dress.”
“I think I see’d Jimmy D cross dressing after he moved out of the neighborhood, but I couldn’t tell,” says Nick.
The Tuna puts two fingers on his lips and lets go with an ear piercing whistle.
Tina says, “Why’d you do that? I was concentrating on posting a photo of one of my tats on Instagram and I screwed it up. Now I got to do it again.”
Legos calls over, “A perfect day ruined.”
“Do I got all of your attention because if I don’t have all of yours attention my stomach will be upset and it is not good for anybody who makes my stomach upset,” says the Tuna.
“You got my tension,” says Tony.
“It’s attention,” says Legos.
“You got to pay tension, Legos, because attention is what they do in the army. I seen it in a movie. And, Willie Santos showed me how he stood at attention when he was in the marines.”
“Legos, you got some duct tape?” says the Tuna.
“I’m good,” says Tony.
“Here’s what I got to say. Listen good, Nick, where’d you hear I hired Joey as my bodyguard?” asks Tuna.
Nick looks to Tina for help. Tina stares at her smart phone. Nick looks at Tony who’s holding a hand over his mouth. Nick looks at Joey who is checking the cleanliness of his fingernails. Nick looks at Legos who’s reading the Boston Herald sports section. Nick looks up at Tuna, “I heard it at this table.”
The Tuna gives Nick a look, “You was the one who said it. Nobody else said it. I was born on the weekend but not last weekend.”
Tina glances away from her cell phone, “I was born on the weekend too. What’s your sign, Tuna? Me, I’m a Scorpio.”
“Maybe that’s why I like you, beautiful broad, I am a Scorpio too,” says Tuna. “The way I figures it, the only way I can make certain three people understand what never happened and is never going to happen is to put it in a way they will understand.”
“Good luck with that one, Tuna,” says Legos from behind the bar.