🐤 The Lucky Canary ~ Tina Calls Nick a Silver Tongue Loser

5

 

The Tuna points to the ceiling. Legos nods and turns on all the lights. The Lucky Canary instantly transforms from a semi discreet joint into noontime in Phoenix. The Tuna glances to the corner table. He stands at the entrance way for moment pondering whether he should head straight to the bar or to corner table.

The Tuna takes a couple of steps toward the bar. He says to Legos, “What’s Joey doing here? He bust out of Bridgewater or did they get tired of him and toss him out?”

Legos says, “Maybe you want to sit at the bar. Lots of stuff going on at the table and none of it good.”

“What’s happening?” asks the Tuna.

Legos runs a large hand over his bald head front to back and says, “Where do I begin? Tony is living with his mom and she has him praying the rosary with her every night so he can become a priest. He’s thinking of stealing a car, turning himself in, and begging the judge to send him to Bridgewater. Nick is giving the beautiful broad the neighborhood shuffle on proposing to her. The beautiful broad is on the verge of going ballistic. Joey claims the state can’t keep him in a cage, he was born to be free. He’s got a can’t miss, can’t miss idea for you.”

Tuna says, “I’ll go to the table, this is better than the stuff they put on TV. Every so often I pick up a gem from the most unusual places.”

The Tuna shuffles over to the table, Tony and Joey are tugging at the Tuna’s chair.

“Tune, tell Joey I get to help you with the chair,” says Tony holding onto the chair with a death grip.

“Tuna, I don’t have much going for me in my life. Can I help you with the chair?” asks Joey sitting on the floor holding on to the chair legs.

“I don’t need help with my chair. Put my chair down and find your seats,” says the Tuna putting his hands on the back of the chair and pushing it down.

The Tuna sits down and scoots himself into the table. Tony and Joey take their seats across from the Tuna.

“You started it,” says Tony jabbing a finger at Joey.

“I did not start it, you started it,” says Joey to Tony.

The Tuna glances at the beautiful broad. Tina nods, fills her shot glass and slides it over to Tuna, “Thank you beautiful broad. You can read my mind.” The Tuna tosses the shot down then turns toward Joey, “What are you doing here? You’re doing easy time in Bridgewater. You want to get sent to Cedar Junction? You won’t survive.”

Legos sets a crystal wine glass in front of Tuna and fills it exactly one quarter full with The Lucky Canary’s best wine.

The Tuna nods at Legos, picks up the glass, swirls it, sniffs it, smiles, and takes a sip. “Thank you, Legos. I’ll remember your kindness.” The Tuna stares at Joey, “Spit it out, Joey.”

“I was climbing walls, getting the heebie-jeebies. That place gets on my nerves. It was like all they was giving me was the mumbo-jumbo. They was doing the hocus-pocus on me so I did the shilly-shally out of there hoping to find some hanky-panky.”

Legos says, “That’s it, I’m going in the cooler, my brain can’t handle any more.” Legos takes off his apron, tosses it on the bar and walks through the door leading the cooler.

Joey continues, “Tuna. I was going crazy, I’m cooped up like fish in a fish bowl. I was like a sardine in a can. It was worse than piece of pepperoni on a pizza ready to go into the oven.”

Tina interrupts, “What are you talking about? You’re not making sense.”

Joey says, “I know.”

Tina turns toward the Tuna, “You think it’s the water? Do I have to start drinking bottled water?”

Joey ignores Tina and says, “Tuna, they won’t miss me until ten tonight and I’ll be back. All I got to do is steal a car and drive back. Besides, I broke out to see you. I got a can’t miss idea guaranteed to can’t miss. It’s my best can’t miss idea yet. It come to me during group therapy,” says Joey.

“You don’t look like a fish, but I’m beginning to think you think like a fish. If you was a fish you’d be in the frying pan. You don’t know when you got it made. You live in a dormitory room with a TV and computer. They don’t lock the door at night. You work in the farm area surrounding the prison with no supervision and they don’t care about you until ten at night,” says the Tuna.

“It’s true, being in minimum security got perks. But I’m a nighttime guy. When the sun goes down is when I get my mojo up. They don’t let any of the prisoners have a woman overnight,” says Joey.

“That’s rough,” says Nick.

“Not as rough as living with my mom,” says Tony.

The Tuna glances at Tina, “Did I enter the world of stupid? Did I come in the wrong door to The Lucky Canary?  Give me straight answers, beautiful broad. I can trust you.”

Tina turns toward Tuna and holds up three fingers. She says, “I don’t know how I got mixed up with three losers. I support the handsome loser with the silver tongue.  All he’s good for is taking Dog for a walk three times a day. He hasn’t proposed and he’s only got two days left. What is so hard about proposing to me if he wants to stay with me? The only reason I haven’t tossed him out is because I made the deal with you and I don’t go back on no deal I make with you. Please, Tuna, beg Maria to let me have only a small piece of you. A small piece of you is better than the whole piece I’m getting from Nick.”

“Tinzi, Tinzi, Tinzi, it’s a neighborhood thing. None of the guys in the neighborhood propose. It’s like I’m running into a cold strong northeast wind off the ocean when I go against everything I ever seen in the neighborhood. What’s more important love or marriage?” pleads Nick.

Tina taps Tuna on the forearm, “You mind if I take it straight from the bottle to calm my anger. The handsome fool don’t understand marriage and love go together like a banana and the peel. They go together like meatballs and spaghetti. They go together like a scratch off lottery ticket and wasting a dollar.”

Tina jabs a sharp pointed fingernail at Nick, “I don’t believe you anymore. You are the silver tonged sea serpent and your word are falling on deaf ears.”

“I’m not married to Dog and Dog loves me,” says Nick.

“You shoulda been a lawyer, Nick. No way anybody can disrespect that point,” says Tony.

Legos returned to the bar in time to hear Tony’s comment. He calls over, “Dispute.”

“I’m not dissing nobody,” says Tony.

“Whatever,” says Legos.

Tina taps Tuna on the forearm, “What am gonna do, Tuna? I need some help.”

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