🐤 The Lucky Canary ~ Tony’s Mom Shows Up Looking for Tony – Oh Oh


The door to The Lucky Canary opens. A short, matronly woman, rosary beads wrapped around her right hand, wearing a loose fitting black dress dropping down to her ankles, with her white hair pulled into a bun walks in.  “Where’s my Tony,” she says in broken English.

“Who’s she?” whispers Tina to the Tuna.

“I’m not looking, but from the voice it’s Antoinette Abatti, Tony’s mothers,” says the Tuna.

Antoinette shakes her rosary at Nick, “Nicky, where’s my boy. I know chu know where he’s at. He was a good boy until he started hanging around wid you when he was four. He gotta be home with me praying the rosary for his vacation,” says Tony’s mom.

Legos looks up from the Herald sports section and says, “you mean vocation.”

Antoinette looks across the room at Legos, “Am I talking to you? If I was talking to chu I woulda said your name. I don know why my Tony comes to this place when Lena’s is jus down the street. That’s a high class joint.”

Legos is thinking insanity must be inherited say, “It’s a joint alright.”

Roxie looks at Antoinette and says, “Tony has a vocation?”

“He’s gonna be a priest. I gonna make sure he goes to the cemetery and studies real hard. Maybe he’ll become a bitchup,” says Tony’s mom.

Legos shakes his head, “You mean seminary not cemetery. You mean bishop not bitchup.”

“Antoinette jabs her rosary at Legos, “I don’t like the way chu is looking a me. You staring at my girls? You keep those impure thoughts out of your head.”

Legos glances at Antoinette’s sagging breasts and says, “Not to worry, I didn’t have any impure thoughts about your breasts.”

“You better not or Tony fix chu good if I tells him you was thinking about my breasts. They are all real not like the broads in this joint. Is my Tony hiding behind the bar? Tony, I’m a gonna count to three or maybe five and then I’m gonna come get chu. Saint Anthony knows where you are hiding. I’ll ask him then you be in trouble with the big boy.”

Legos whispers to Roxie, “Tony’s ex was plotting to kill him.”

“Why?” asks Roxie.

“She wanted to break up with him. You know how it works in this neighborhood,” says Legos. He continues, “Tony had no place to go so he moved back in with his mother. She has him praying the rosary every day hoping he will become a priest and pray masses for her after she dies.”

Roxie says, “Now I remember why I left the neighborhood.”

Nick says, “Mrs. Abatti, Tony went home to take a shower and change into clean clothes.”

Tony’s mom whacks her the palm of her hand against her forehead and makes the sign of the cross on her forehead, lips, and chest, “My God, he’s gonna make a mess. I jus clean the bathroom. He gonna leave a trail from the door to the shower. I’m a gonna catch him and make  him clean it all up before he can come here and play.”

Tony’s mom turns and heads out the door.

The Tuna says, “Nick, call Tony and tell him his mom is heading home and to leave by the fire escape and alley. He’s got to drive for me tonight.”

Roxie turns to Legos, “The Tuna, Nick, and Tony on a caper?”

Legos says, “They’re the talk of the town.

Roxie wraps her hand around the Johnnie Walker, “They’re the talk of the town?”

Legos says, “I think they made it one of the cable true crime shows. You ever hear of the Dollar Store Bandits?”

“No way?” says Roxie taking a pull of Johnnie Walker.

Legos nods.

“No way!” says Roxie taking another pull.

Legos nods and wonders how long this is going on.

Roxie twists on her stool and faces the Tuna. She says, “Tuna, you are the man, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Cheers.”

Before the Tuna can acknowledge Roxie, Tina touches the Tuna’s forearm and stares at Roxie, “I got first dibs on the Tuna when Maria, God forbid, dies, he’s mine. I don’t know about you, but mine are real.”

Legos starts wondering if it’s too late for a career switch.

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