🐤 The Lucky Canary ~ Joey Shows Up With a Can’t Miss, Can’t Miss Idea


Legos places his thumb and forefinger on his lips and gives a whistle. The Tuna, Tina, Nick, and Tony all turn toward Legos. Legos points to the TV screen.

“I’m Marcy Stankowski for Channel 4 Flash News. We’re the first, the foremost, and the fastest with breaking news. I’m standing in the empty parking space designated for the warden at the minimum security, Bridgewater Correctional prison.”

Marcy points to a name plate on a brick building at the front of the parking space. She continues, “This is warden Dennis Custer’s parking space. The warden’s dark blue Buick is reported stolen. It is the third time the warden’s car has been stolen in three weeks. The warden reported moments ago they set up security cameras last week. This time they caught the hot wiring, fast moving car thief on video. The state police were thinking the car thief was an inmate, but after reviewing the security video they’ve changed their minds. It was one of the Dollar Store bandits. The Dollar Store bandit was working solo, they usually work in two’s or three’s. This Dollar Store bandit needs some orthodontic work. He has a really bad overbite. The police said if the Dollar Store bandit turns himself in, the prison system provides free orthodonture help. I’m glad my parents didn’t know that when I was growing up. . . . Oh, stick with the news. . . . The Dollar Store bandit was wearing a Patriots’ sweatshirt. Maybe the car thief is getting ready for the football season. I can’t wait. Go Patriots. The Dollar Store bandits may have finally met their match with warden Custer. This is Marcy Stankowski reporting.”

The Tuna turns to Nick and Tony, “Okay, which one of use guys gave a Dollar Store disguise to Joey?”

“Not to worry, Tuna. Joey added a different twist. Did you see the fake wax teeth? You know, the Halloween kind kids put in their mouths? The wax teeth give Joey a totally different look,” says Tony.

“Tone, was it you?” asks the Tuna.

“I only gave him the idea, not the stuff, Tune. Joey must have bought it when he went back to Bridgewater,” says Tony. “I was just trying to help Joey, Tune. I think praying the rosary every night is infecting me. Even though I moved out of my mom’s apartment, I’m still doing  rosary, it helps me fall asleep.”

Legos looks up, “You mean affecting you.”

Tony looks over, “You’re wrong, Legos. When you get affected it’s like a mosquito bite that gives you a herpes where it bites. The rosary infects you in a good way. You understand the difference?”

Roxie picks up the bottle of Johnnie Walker and takes a long slug.

Legos reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of Gordon’s gin and pours himself two fingers, then knocks it back.

Tina picks up the bottle of Jim Daniels and takes a long slug.

Nick says, “Legos, I need another cheap beer if I’m gonna keep up.”

Tuna starts to speak when the door to The Lucky Canary opens. The Tuna says, “Did Joey arrive?”

Joey steps into The Lucky Canary. Legos has one hand wrapped around the Gordon’s bottle the other around his glass, says, “Joey, if the cops catch you in here, I’m gonna have a hard time explaining why I didn’t call the them.”

Joey says, “I’ll duck in the men’s room and stand on the commode. Tell the cops you didn’t see Joey. Tell them Joey was gone by the time you took a second or third or fourth look. If that don’t work, tell them you forgot how to call nine one one.”

Roxie glances at Legos, who’s blood vessel in his right temple is vibrating, she touches his forearm, “Legos, chill, it’s the neighborhood. Who’s the guy in the orange suit, Patriots’ sweatshirt and fedora is talking about?”

Legos says, “That’s Joey Maglioni. In Bridgewater, the prisoners only talk in the third person. He says it makes them sound tougher.”

“He’s one I missed, can’t say I miss missing him,” says Roxie.

Joey runs his eyes up and down, over and around Roxie, then says, “I ain’t seen you in here before. You like bad boys?”

“Hey, Joey, that’s my pickup line,” hollers Tony.

“My bad, Tony,” says Joey.

Roxie takes another hit of the Johnnie Walker.

Joey says, “I’ll take that as a maybe. Bring me a cheap beer, Legos.” Joey walks over to the table, “Wuz up?”

Legos brings a tray with a half dozen cheap beers on it, “Here’s your beers. Don’t bother me. Joey, if the warden’s car is in front of The Lucky Canary, I’m going to use you for the heavy bag.”

“Joey says, no problem, Legos. Joey left it in front of Lena’s,” says Joey.

“What I tell you about talking in third person?” says Legos.

“Joey says it’s a hard habit to break.”

Legos grabs hold of the Patriots’ sweatshirt and yanks Joey out of his seat and one-handed lifts him up until Joey is three inches off the floor going eye to eye with Legos, “No more third person or I toss you out head first.”

Joey shakes his head. Legos lets go and lets Joey drop to the floor. Joey looks up from the floor at the Tuna, “Tuna, I got a can’t miss, can’t miss idea.”

“I don’t know if I want to hear your can’t miss, can’t miss idea. We got a problem with a private detective who’s trying to make a rep cashing in with Crime Stoppers on the Dollar Store bandits.”

“I got the solution, Tuna. You know Albert DeVito?” says Joey.

“Do you mean Albert DeSalvo, the Boston Strangler? He’s been dead for long time,” says the Tuna.

Joey says, “The Boston Strangler? Was he a professional wrestler?”

The Tuna not wanting to get into a conversation that is going nowhere says, “Maybe you mean crazy Al DeVito? The guy who got sent to Cedar Junction for running out nude on the ballfield at Fenway Park last season and put an arm lock on the pitcher and a gun to the pitcher’s head. He threatened to kill him unless the Sox manager pulled the pitcher out of the game and replaced him with a reliever.”

“The same,” says Joey. “He got transferred to Bridgewater because he passed his anger management training. When I go back, I can slip Crazy Al a hundred bucks to take out this private detective, no more worries.”

“You asking me if I want Crazy Al to make a hit?” says Tuna. “In case the Feds are listening, I don’t do that kind of stuff. It’s illegal. I’m surprised you bring it up in public.”

“Do you mean pubic, Tune,” asks Tone.

Legos, Roxie, Tina, and Tuna all knock one back.

Nick, Tony, and Joey look at each other trying to figure out what happened.

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