🐤 The Lucky Canary ~ What Does a Relationship Counselor Look Like?


Linda says, “Who’s this guy talking about this other guy, Bogey? Is Bogey from the neighborhood? I never heard of Bogey. You can tell this guy’s not from the neighborhood. He don’t speak normal.”

Tina says, “That’s Bogey.”

“That’s Bogey? Why is he talking like he’s talking about somebody else? I never heard nobody outside the joint talk that way,” says Linda.

Nick jumps in, “Bogey likes the neighborhood. He’s trying to let it rub off on him so he can have some swagger.”

Legos whispers to Roxie, “That’s all Bogey needs is swagger and to have the neighborhood rub off on him.”

Roxie shakes her head and starts doing the blues a Capello.

I got the neighborhood blues.

The blues take you low.

Wherever you go.

I got the neighborhood blues

Tony gives a shrill whistle, “You’re the best, Roxie.”

The Tuna sips his wine and says, “Roxie’s got that one down. You can leave the neighborhood, but the neighborhood never leaves you.”

Tony says, “Tune, you think Legos and Roxie will split? I’m ready to catch Roxie on the rebound.”

“Do I look like a relationship counselor?” says the Tuna.

“I dunno, Tune. I never seen a relationship counselor. What does one look like?” asks Tony.

“I think he’s got a goatee, maybe bald, and talks in a high voice,” says Nick.

“How do you know, Nick? You been seeing a relationship counselor without telling me?” asks Tina. “What’s wrong with our relationship? You think something is wrong with me?”

Nick says, “I never seen a relationship counselor. Nothing is wrong with you, Tinzi, I swear.”

“Don’t you go swearing. I don’t want Dog to hear nasty words,” says Tina.

“You telling me I can’t swear no more?” asks Nick.

“Once we are married and I get pregnant, swearing and dirty jokes are off the menu,” says Tina.

“But, Tinzi, swearing is the best way to help somebody understand how you feel. You know, how you really feel, not fake feel. You don’t want me to do no fake feel, do you?” asks Nick.

Nick’s got a point,” says Tony. “I members when he called The Nose a stupid son  of . . . Why are you jabbing your icepick at me?” asks Tony.

“The same goes for you when you are with us, no swearing or telling dirty jokes. I’m putting you on notice. Our kids are gonna be normal,” says Tina.

“But, but, but, Tinzi, it’s normal for guys and broads in the neighborhood to start swearing around first grade. I learned some of the best swear words when I was in kindergarten,” says Nick.

Roxie says, “Legos, you went to St. Anthony’s. I went to public. Nick’s pretty much right.”

Legos says, “It was the same way at St. Anthony’s when the nuns weren’t nearby.”

Joey jumps in, “At Bridgewater if you don’t swear, they send you to the shrink because they think something is wrong with you.”

Tony’s interrupts, “If you don’t listen to dirty jokes how you gonna learn about sex? My mom never talked to me about sex. I learned all I know on the street corner, watching videos, and listening to dirty jokes. Besides, when I go to the toilet at a high class place like The Lucky Canary I sit on the can and read what somebody wrote on the inside of the door. I’m always learning new stuff.”

Tina says, “That settles it. Nick, no more going to the toilet when we are in The Lucky Canary.”

The Tuna taps Tina’s forearm, “Beautiful broad, Jack Daniels gonna help you through.”

Tina fills the shot glass and knocks it back, “Thanks, Tuna, I needed that. All I want, Tuna, is for Nick and me and any kids we have to be normal. Do you and Maria swear and tell each other dirty jokes?”

Tuna laughed, “We never swear at each other. Maria, however, drops a glass on the floor, it’s like listening to Andrea Bocelli sing, the way she can string curse words together. In normal conversation, Maria doesn’t swear. We stay away from the other stuff. I like funny humor, not the stuff you see on TV these days.”

“Please, please, please, Tuna, take me as your mistress. I’ll dump Nick faster than Bogey can down a cheap beer,” says Tina.

“I’m next in line,” hollers Roxie from the bar.

“I’m after Stella,” chirps Linda.

The Tuna says, “I’m flattered, but me and Maria got too much going. I’m not gonna interrupt the love song.”

The Tuna turns his attention to Linda, “How long you been missing from Framingham?”

“I heisted the warden’s car right after she came back from lunch, about one,” says Linda.

“This your first full day in minimum security?” asks the Tuna.

“Uh huh,” says Linda.

“You get processed? They give you a job?” asks the Tuna.

Linda starts sucking her thumb. Tina pulls Linda’s hand away from her mouth. Linda says, “You think I shoulda played it cool the first week?”

The Tuna nods.

The door to The Lucky Canary opens . . .

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