Trust Fund Baby ~ 31 A Satire

Chapter 31

J drove and drove and drove. It was obvious something was bothering her. I thought about it for a quick minute, then turned my attention to Instagram account. When she comes out of her funk, I’m going to ask her to join me in a selfie. It will be our first photo together. We were now out of city limits traveling away from the ocean and heading east toward the mountains. Vegas was only five hours away. 

Since J was talking, I didn’t some self reflection. The first conclusion I came to was that I don’t need a conscience, I’m doing fine on my own. Any advice my conscience might give me would have been the stuff you hear on Oprah or some other show women mostly watch. My second conclusion is that my conscience is a female who masks her voice to sound like a male. Next time he or she talks to me I have to ask about the technology he or she is using. My conscience has an unfair advantage being able to use voice altering technology humans haven’t yet developed. 

We were ten miles out of the city when J finally spoke, “I’m hungry. Because of your stupidity, I missed Harvey’s food. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to show my face in there again.”

I had no clue what J was talking about. Surely she was thinking of the plus size woman and her bibbed overall friend at the table next to us. I said, “What did I do? I asked you to marry me. I told you how deep my commitment was to you. I talked about honeymoon sex. Help me if I missed something?” I realized we were having our first argument. I read in a men’s magazine where makeup sex is the best kind of sex. I started looking for motel signs. 

For an instant, J drove no handed. It was as if an invisible hand guided the car along the highway. She thrust both arms over her head and started banging on car roof with her fists. “Ouch,” she said.”

“Are you okay? Is your blood sugar low? Are you suffering from being enclosed in a cramp space?” I learned all these questions by watching ads for drug prescriptions on television. 

I felt better when I saw J’s hands return to the steering wheel. She was breathing as if she were in the last stages of an anaerobic workout. I said, “Can I hold your wrist and take your pulse? I want to make sure you don’t have a stroke.” 

 I think J’s having arm spasms, both fists hit the car roof again. Again, she said, “Ouch, damn that hurt.”

J signaled to take the next exit two miles ahead. I noticed there were several low end motel chains located at the exit and a couple of fast food restaurants. I was putting my money on the low end motel chains. “Good decision,” I said.

“What?” snapped J.

“To pull off early at a low end motel so can create memories of our first sexual experience with each other,” I said nonchalantly.

“If I wasn’t driving and if both of my fists were not sore from banging on the car roof I would carry through on my threat to rip off your ears when you asked me to have sex with you.”

“Whoa. Wait a minute. Who’s not listening? I didn’t ask to have sex. I only filled in the blanks to the conversation as to why you chose this exit instead of heading non stop to Vegas.”

“Dear Lord. If I kill him and leave his body in the desert, will it be a sin? I will be doing a favor for humankind. Taking care of him is almost too much of a burden to carry.”

“What did God say?” I asked. I had a vested interest in the answer. 

All I got was a cold glassy stare. I felt the car pull on to the exit ramp. When we reached the end of the exist ramp, J stopped at a red light. To the right there was a Fairfield motel and a Super 8 motel. A truck stop sat between them with a gas station and restaurant. Mother always said, never eat where truck drivers eat, the food is terrible and the drivers have body odor. I was pleased when J gave her left turn signal. I stretched my neck and saw a Holiday Inn and a Comfort Inn. Where was the Four Seasons? Doesn’t every town have at least one five star resort and restaurant? 

When the light changed J turned left and stayed in the left hand lane. It was the same side as the Holiday Inn. Hope springs eternal or something like that. She went passed it and pulled into Buddy’s Burgers. She drove into the drive through lane and stopped at a large metal sign with a complete menu and a speaker in the middle. This is a new experience for me. Mother and Father will want to know about it, it saves on tipping. 

J turned toward me and said, “You want anything?”

I wanted to prove I wasn’t a snob. I could eat lower class food. I said, “I’ll have albacore tuna on lightly toasted rye bread, put the tomato on the side. I’ll also have a side dish of hummus and freshly baked flatbread. “

A voice came out of the menu, “Can I help you?”

“I’ll have two double cheeseburgers, two orders of fries, and two large diet Cokes.”

J must be hungry. I didn’t hear her order for me. I said, “Can I order now?”

“I ordered for you. Give me ten dollars.”

Oh my fragile, love sick heart, beat on. She loves you I thought. She asked me for money to pay for a meal. I pulled out my wallet. I carry nothing lower than a twenty. I wanted to show my generosity. I said, “Tell her to keep the change.”

J pulled up to the window where you paid for your food, then received it. “They don’t do tips at the drive through,” said J reaching for the food and the change.” She turned toward me, “You want extra ketchup for your fries?”

“What are fries?”

“Extra ketchup, please,” J said to the girl at the register.

J handed me the bag of food. I’ll admit it smelled different than anything I’ve ever eaten in my life. She said, “There’s a park across the street, we can eat and talk over there.”

I said, “This is a date. You can’t deny it. I paid for the food. We’re eating in a park. It’s our first date.”

“Is not a date.”

“Is too.”

“Is not.”


We started laughing. I don’t remember the last time I laughed. It felt good. 


Trust Fund Baby ~ 24 A Satire

Chapter 24

“You don’t have a clue what you’re doing. Do you?” asked my conscience.

“No. Should I?” I responded. “This is my group. Leave me alone. I’ll fake it to make it. Besides, they’re here for my charm, wit, personality, and animal magnetism.”

“I need a break,” said my conscience.

I watched Jill unbuttoning her blouse and stopping just above her navel after J left the room. Personally, I’ve never really cared for plums. I’ll take a plum if it’s all I can get. Before I made that decision, I glanced at the door to the reception area. J left it ajar when she left.. J was listening to every word. “C’mon, Martin, get your head into the game, this could be your last chance to break down J’s love barrier.” I said to myself. I forgot what I was doing here. I had a plan and if slipped away like the morning dew.

My mind works in a funny way. It’s kind of like a butterfly. It flits from one idea to the next, it doesn’t hang around too long with any idea. I like to think I have a lot of interests. A former girlfriend told me I didn’t have depth.

“She’s right,” offered my conscience.

I’ve got to Google how to shut off my conscience. It is becoming a nuisance.

“You’re back? I thought you needed a break.”

“Why don’t you give me a name? I’d like to be on a first name basis with my clients.”

“You’re a conscience for more than one person?” I asked.

“I’ve been given a temporary leave from other ten people while I deal full time with you. I have to breakdown what you thought was your conscience and start new. Work is hell.”

“That’s what I tell everybody. I glad we agree on something. Any ideas on how I should handle class?”

“Try going into your short term memory. Didn’t you tell J and let me quote, “This one’s for you Babe?”

“I did. But I didn’t know what I saying. I was following Uncle Jeffrey’s advice, if it feels right, it is right.”

“I’ve been at this conscience gig for centuries. You’d think I’d know where to begin. I need some professional advice on this one.”

“Good idea. Leave me alone. I’ll wing it.”

“Doctor Sutherland?”

“Yes, Tito?”

“Who were you talking to? We only heard one voice.”

I didn’t realize the conversation I was having with my conscience was loud enough for the group to hear. I remember Mother’s advice as she walked me to my BMW this morning, “Martin always be assertive, it’s a good way to make people think you know what you’re doing when you don’t know what you’re doing. I only tell you this because your Feathering DNA is not pure. You have Sanderstuff DNA as well. Who knows how bad it was tainted by the surrogate mother we used to carry you to termination. She was the best we could do on a short notice.”

I’ve really got to find my surrogate mother. Maybe she was where I got my conscience. I’m sure of it. I’ve not known anyone on either side of the family to show any compassion or passion for that matter. I had to drop the thought, I had five sets of eyes staring at me. I said, “Of course I was having a conversation. I was communicating with the famous psychologist, Carl Jung.”

“Isn’t he dead?” asked Prince.

“He’s only dead if you think he’s dead. That’s why you can’t see him,” I said. Wow. I thought of this on the spot. It is a rare gem. One I can use again and again. “You thought he was dead, so he was dead to you. You all see where I am going?” 

I heard the laughter begin in the reception room. J must be watching comic videos on her computer. 

“That’s deep, really deep,” said The Sage.

I caught an arm waving out of the corner of my eye. I’m one to answer any question when it comes from Amber. I said, “You must be hot in that outfit.”

“I’m hot, very hot,” said Amber.

“Watch where you are walking girl. You are on a tightrope and you might lose your balance,” said J’s voice from the reception room.

I’m filled with happiness when J protects me because she is practicing bonding. I know she wants to be closer to me than green on money. But, I thought, why not give the girl a little rope and see where she goes. Why not let her express herself and fulfill her carnal desires. Who am I to judge.

J’s voice, “Pull your sweatshirt down or I’ll use it to drag you out of group.”

How does she know this stuff? I don’t know what she’s doing. I know she’s not peeking in here. I didn’t see any hidden cameras. I’ve got to ask her. Maybe she has a sixth or seventh sense. My conscience did say I said, “This one’s for you Babe, so here goes.”

I held my hand to signal the group. I’m not quite sure how the group might interpret my visual sign so I hurriedly said, “Group, I’m tired of listening to your problems. That’s all we done for the past two days. All I hear is blah, blah this and blah blah that. You’re boring. You make me want to fall asleep. There has to be more to life than leading this group, which brings me to my point. Today’s group session is all about me. I’m sucking wind. I’m walking on a tightrope and losing my balance. I standing at the edge of cliff and a gale wind is blowing at my back.”

J’s voice came from the reception area, “Enough with the metaphors. Get on with the stand up comedy.”

“I’ll save you from falling, Doctor Sanderstuff. Can I hold you and press your body to mine?” asked Amber.

This was a fantastic idea. J chimed in before I could respond, “You leave that seat girl, you won’t be able to sit down for a week.”

Amber turned her head toward the door and stuck her tongue out. 

“I know what you did, pull your tongue back in your mouth, you’re not auditioning for Dr. Sanderstuff. And, don’t think I don’t know if you flash him.”

J understands how helpless I am. She knows I’d be putty in Amber’s hands. I smiled at the group. I tried to put my thoughts together and then realized I’m in over my head. When I don’t know what I’m doing, I just keep doing it. I said, “I’m in love with the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the entire world. I’ve offered to take her to Paris, Rome, and Vegas. She will have nothing to do with me. I want to take her to finest restaurants, but she doesn’t want to go with me. What should I do?”

“Let her go, Doctor Sanderstuff. “You need a real woman. You need a woman who …”

“One more word Amber and your life is over as you know it,” 

Amber folded her arms under her breasts, puffed up and curled her lower lip, and went into a deep pout. J opened the door. She carried a chair into the room and placed it next The Sage. The group and I stared at her. J said, “I want to hear this.”

I sat still for a moment watching the tug of war between my libido giving it everything a libido can give for Amber and my heart, as tiny as it is, fighting with all its might for J. 

“Make up your mind, Pancho.”

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I’m a Mexican conscience temporarily substituting for your regular conscience who became burned out working for you. Don’t worry, I have a visa.