Vinnie Helps His Mom Out

7

Vinnie sticks Rupert’s hand into his lunch box. He moves Rupert’s hand around, first this way and then that way. “Pick out an easy one for Mom, Rupert. She’s in last place. I always thought boys are smarter than girls.”

Vinnie’s mom puts two fingers to her lips and lets go with a shrill whistle, “Hold on, Buster. Boys are not smarter than girls.”

“No need to get upset, Mom. I’m trying to help you out,” says Vinnie.

“I don’t want an easy question. I want the hardest question you have in the lunch box. I’ll prove girls are just as smart as boys.”

“That’s the spirit, Mom. Already, my game is more exciting than Clue, don’tcha think?” asked Vinnie.

“Vinnie’s dad glances at Vinnie’s mom, “Vinnie’s makes a point. Vinnie, I have a question about the game.”

“Sure, Dad. If I can’t answer it, either Rupert or Dexter can answer it. They helped me with the questions,” says Vinnie.

“When does the game end?” asks Vinnie’s dad.

“End? It doesn’t ever end. That’s what makes my game great, Dad. It never ends so there is no official loser. Problem is there is no official winner. Rupert is still working on the last part.”

Vinnie’s mom interrupts, “Vinnie, this doesn’t make sense. A game has to end. All games have winners and losers. Let’s play to ten points. The first person to get ten points is the winner. I think we can all agree to that.”

Vinnie shakes his head, “Mom, you’re thinking like an adult. You have to start thinking like a kid. If kids ruled the world we wouldn’t have wars or bad stuff going on. All that stuff comes from adults.”

“That’s pretty good, Vinnie,” says Vinnie’s dad.

“Quit taking Vincent’s side,” says Vinnie’s mom.

“I wasn’t taking Vinnie’s side. You have to admit he’s got a point, Dear,” says Vinnie’s dad.

Vinnie’s mom’s face turns a tad red, she turns to face Vinnie’s dad. She says, “I’ll grant you, Vinnie has a point. But who has been in charge? It’s boys who grew up to be men. I’d like to see woman rule the world for a change.”

Vinnie becomes bored with the conversation and slips away from the table and heads to the refrigerator. While he is away, Rupert keeps an eye on the players. Dexter follows Vinnie to the refrigerator. Vinnie opens the refrigerator door and stands in front of the open refrigerator staring at all the choices. There’s nothing he sees that he likes. If Dexter were taking a multiple choice test, he’d circle all the above. Vinnie removes a plate with two pieces of left over grilled chicken breast and tips the plate letting the chicken drop on the floor. He puts the empty plate back in the refrigerator. Closes the door and heads back to the table. Dexter stays behind eating his gourmet snack. 

Vinnie climbs into his chair, “Where were we when the game got interrupted?”

Vinnie’s dad is happy to get out of a conservation where he was losing ground faster than a bob sled going downhill. “Uh, I’ll think about what you said, Dear. You make a good point. Vinnie, I asked you how we would know when the game ends.”

“Right, Dad. I told you it never ends. You just had a memory fail, Dad. Never mind, I’ll pick a hard question for Mom. If it’s too hard, Mom, I’ll put it back and keep pulling one out until you think you can answer it,” says Vinnie giving his mom his best helpful look. 

Vinnie’s mom rolls her eyes and watches Vinnie stick his hand in his lunch box and squirrel it around. Vinnie pulls out a folded piece of paper. He carefully unfolds it and shows it to Rupert, “Do you think this is a good question for Mom, Rupert?”

Vinnie shakes Rupert so Rupert’s head moves. Vinnie’s mom silently prays, “Lord, we’d try for another child, but what if she was a he and he was a Vinnie clone? It is too much for any human to bear.”

Vinnie Asks His Dad if He is Neutered

Vinnie’s dad swallows, rubs his eyes, stretches his arms over his head. Vinnie interrupts him, “Dad, you only have thirty seconds to answer and you’ve used up half of them.”

Vinnie’s dad takes a sip of soda and says, “I was putting my thoughts in order. There was a rule change, I wasn’t prepared. I think I’m ready.” 

Vinnie’s mom perks up and twists a bit to catch Vinnie’s dad’s full profile. She crosses her arms over her chest.

“Let’s hear it, Dad. I’ve got sixty more questions and they get harder. This is an easy one. We’ll be lucky to finish by tomorrow night.”

Vinnie’s dad takes a deep breath that sounds more like the intact engine on a NASCAR racing car. He says, “You know how we take Dexter to the park sometimes?”

“Uh huh,” nods Vinnie.

Vinnie’s mom roles her eyes.

“Sometimes we let Dexter off the leash, right?” says Vinnie’s dad.

“Dexter loves it, Dad. You do it so you don’t have to pick up Dexter’s poop if we walk in the neighborhood, right?” asks Vinnie.

“You don’t pick up Dexter’s poop?” asks Vinnie’s mom.

“He doesn’t mom. He looks the other way. Sometimes he says, ‘It will disintegrate in time.’ I saw a kid step in one time. He skidded and fell down. It was one of the slippery kind Dexter does.”

“Enough,” says Vinnie dad. “Let me finish my answer. When Dexter runs loose, sometimes he jumps on a female dog from behind. That’s how babies are made. That’s how you got inside Mom.” Vinnie’s dad returns the smirk to Vinnie’s mom. He congratulates himself on handling a sensitive question.

Vinnie asks a two part question, “Is Dexter my real father? What are you doing here, Dad, if Dexter is my real father?”

Vinnie’s dad says, “Dexter’s neutered, remember when we took him to the veterinarian and had his private parts snipped?”

“I do, Dad. Are you neutered? If you’re neutered, how’d I get inside Mom’s belly?”

Vinnie’s mom covers her mouth and stifles a chuckle.

“I am not neutered. I have all my body parts, just like you,” says Vinnie’s dad a bit defensively.

“Let me get this straight, Dad. Your answer is that I got to be here because you and Mom act like dogs in the park when I am asleep?”

Vinnie’s mom cocks her head and raises her eyebrows waiting for Vinnie’s dad’s answer.

“More or less. It’s the way all children come to be, Vinnie.”

“That’s disgusting. The more I hear about being grown up makes me want to stay eight all my life even if I live to one-hundred,” says Vinnie.

“Well, did I answer it and do I get the points?” asks Vinnie’s dad.

“Wait a second, Dad. Rupert is scoring your answer. I’ll talk with him to find out your final score.” 

Vinnie pulls Rupert close to him, he whispers in Rupert’s ear. He pushes Rupert away and waits for two seconds. He pulls Rupert close to him and puts Rupert’s mouth against his ear. Vinnie nods three times. He sets Rupert down.

Vinnie’s dad says, “What was Rupert’s decision?”

“Each answer is worth ten points. Since Mom passed it to you, Dad, you get seven points and Mom has three points deducted from her score. Mom, what is three from zero?”

8 Year Old Vinnie Returns Monday

Wondering What Vinnie Is Up to? Vinnie’s Dad attempts to tell Vinnie the facts of life. Bad move – LOL

Vinnie Wants to Know Where He Came From

5

“What kind of question is that, Vincent?” asks his mom. It’s only ten in the morning and she knows it’s too early for a glass of wine.

“It’s an easy one, Mom. It’s not one of the hard, hard questions,” says Vinnie.

Vinnie’s mom fidgets, she runs her left hand through her hair, then she touches Vinnie’s dad’s arm and says, “Why don’t you take this one, Dear?”

“You can’t do that, Mom, unless your questions says you can pass on the bottom of it and this question doesn’t say that. You have to answer. If your answer is incomplete, I can tell you to keep answering until you get it totally right or totally wrong. I’m making up the rules as we go along. I only had time to write questions. I didn’t think about the rules.”

Vinnie’s mom says, “Do you know the answer?”

Vinnie says, “No. That’s why I asked the question.”

“If you don’t know the answer how will you know if I’m right or wrong?” asks Vinnie’s Mom.

“Rupert is the judge. He’ll whisper to me if you got it right or wrong or if you need to keep talking. If you talk to much, it’s a penalty. If you don’t talk enough, it’s a penalty. I just made up this rule, like it?”

Vinnie’s mom fights off vertigo. She says, “You were inside me. When it was time for you to be born, I went to the hospital and Doctor Sanchez delivered you. I know this is the perfect answer.”

Vinnie holds Rupert up to his ear. He nods his head three times. Vinnie says, “Rupert says you have to keep talking. He wants to know how I got in your belly and how I came out.”

“Oh, God. I warned you, Dear. You have to admit you were forewarned,” says Vinnie’s mom staring at Vinnie’s dad who’s staring at anything other than Vinnie’s mom.

Vinnie’s mom feels a distinct pink color rising from her chest and spreading up through her neck into her face. She tries to speak, but her lips can’t move. She forces the words. “Well, it will take a long time. Don’t you have categories like they do on Jeopardy? I’ll take cooking for six.” 

Vinnie says, “Sorry, Mom. We’re not playing Jeopardy. Don’t you know where I came from? Joey’s mom told him that she and his dad went to the hospital and they looked at all the babies and thought Joey was the cutest so they chose him. Is Joey right, Mom? Do you think I’m cuter than Joey? Gina said her mom told her she was an unexpected surprise. And, Larry said his mom told him she didn’t know because Larry was five years old when his mom and dad were married. You have to give me an answer, Mom or you get moved to the penalty round.”

“What’s the penalty round, Vinnie?” asks his mom.

“If you get moved to the penalty round, you get the next seven questions and Dad gets all the points for your correct answers.”

“That doesn’t seem fair, Vinnie. Can you change the rule? asks Vinnie’s mom.

“I wished I could change the rule, Mom, but I have a rule that says you can’t change a rule especially if your mom asks you to change a rule.”

“When did you make up this rule, Vincent?” says Vinnie’s Mom.

“Just now. The game is coming together. Will you video it so we can put it on YouTube. I bet it goes viral.”

“Did you help him?” Vinnie’s mom points an accusing finger at Vinnie’s dad.

Vinnie’s dad raises his hands as if he were being held at gunpoint. He says, “Honest, it’s all Vinnie’s creative work. Tell Vinnie what you know about where he came from so we can go on.” Vinnie’s dad quickly averts his eyes from Vinnie’s Mom.

Vinnie’s mom says, “Can I make up a rule for the game?”

Vinnie whispers in Rupert’s ear. He puts Rupert’s mouth to this ear. The back and forth goes on for a minute. Vinnie sets Rupert down and says, “What’s your rule? Rupert will make the final decision if it is a good rule.”

Vinnie’s mom says, “My rules is if you don’t have the right answer, another player in the game has to answer it.”

Vinnie turns toward Rupert. He picks him up and gives him a little shake that makes Rupert’s head nod yes.

“Rupert says it’s a good rule, Mom. Thanks for helping out.”

“No problem, Vinnie. I pass the question to the other player in the game, Dad.”

Vinnie’s dad eyes turn into moon pies. His Adam’s apple start bobbing, and a slight tic develops in his right eyelid. 

“You’re on, Dad. Where did I come from.”

Vinnie’s mom gives a smirk to Vinnie’s dad.

VINNE WILL RETURN MONDAY ~ HIS POOR PARENTS

Vinnie Asks His Mom a Hard Question

4

Vinnie’s Mom and Dad sit at the table. Vinnie’s in his room getting the game he invented. Vinnie’s mom whispers to his dad, “Dear, I think we’re walking on thin ice. You know how Vinnie thinks. Be prepared. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Vinnie’s dad says, “What could he devise? It will be a silly game. Let’s pretend it’s a lot of fun and it will get over quick. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Please don’t take this wrong, Dear, but you’re a slow learner. Do remember when Vinnie wanted to choose the restaurant?”

“How did I know he was going to choose a place with a D health score? You have to admit he has a good heart. He said he chose it because anybody who gets a D needs a friend.”

“How did you feel after we ate there? As I recall, you kept making trips to the bathroom all night,” says Vinnie’s mom.

Vinnie interrupts the conversation, “Rupert wants to watch. He’ll sit next to me to make sure everyone plays fair.” Vinnie sets Rupert on the table against a Captain America lunch box.

“Where’s the game, Vinnie,” asks his mom.

Vinnie points to the lunch box. “Right here, Mom. The game is inside Captain America.

Vinnie’s dad gives Vinnie’s mom a confident, reassuring smile, “Tell us how to play the game, Vinnie.”

“It’s easy. I made up a bunch of questions, folded them and put them in my lunch box. Since I invented the game, I get to ask the questions. I have one die in box and you role it. If you get a one or a two, you get an easy question. If you role any other number you get a hard question. When you’re finish answering I tell you how many points you get.”

“This sounds like fun,” says Vinnie’s dad.

“Dear Lord, don’t let me fall into the dark side,” Vinnie’s mom silently prays.

“Who wants to go first?” asks Vinnie.

Vinnie’s dad says, “Why don’t you go first, Dear?”

“I didn’t volunteer,” says Vinnie’s mom.

“Too late, Mom. Dad already volunteered you. Role the die.”

Vinnie hands his mom the die. She shakes it in her hand and says, “Give me an easy one. Give me an easy one.”

Vinnie’s mom roles a four. 

“Looks like you got a hard one, Mom,” says Vinnie. 

“Mom’s really smart, Vinnie. She graduated with honors from college. She only got A’s. You won’t be able to stump her,” chimes in Vinnie’s Dad.

Vinnie pulls out a folded slip of paper, looks at it and tosses it back in the lunch box. He does the same to another folded piece of paper. As he tosses it back in, his mom says, “Vinnie, what are you doing?”

“The first two had the number one and two on them, Mom. I have to keep drawing out questions until I get one with a three, four, five, or six on it.”

“How many questions are in your lunch box?” asks Vinnie’s mom.

“About one hundred. The game’s not finished until we answer all the questions. If the game ends in a tie. I have three tie breakers,” says Vinnie.

Vinnie’s mom touches Vinnie’s dad forearm, “Do you think we’ll be done before bedtime?”

Vinnie’s dad says, “I think we’ll be done in a half hour. Want to make a small bet on who wins the game?”

Vinnie’s mom looks at Vinnie, “Are there any sports’ questions?”

“No, Mom.

“Okay, if I win, I get a full day at the spa. If you win, we’ll go out for pizza on Friday.”

Vinnie’s dad decides this is the best deal he’s going to get. He agrees to it, and says, “Looks like you have a question in your hand, Vinnie. We’re ready to play.”

Vinnie unwraps the question. He glances at his Mom, then back at the slip of paper he’s holding. He reads it, “Where did I come from for four points?”

Vinnie’s Game – Vinnie’s Mom Feels A Migrane Coming On

2

The family sits at the dinning room table. Vinnie’s mom fills a bowl with low salt popcorn. Vinnie’s dad goes to the pantry and brings a bag of Mexican chips to the table. Vinnie stands in front of an open refrigerator door before deciding to fetch a jar of salsa and two raw hot dogs. He carries them to the kitchen counter, opens a cabinet door and takes a small plate for the hot dogs and a small bowl for Fruit Loops, his go to high sugary cereal he eats in place of candy. Vinnie breaks the hot dogs into small pieces and places the pieces on a plate. He sets the dish with the hot dogs on the floor. Dexter correctly assumes it’s snack time and consumes the two dogs in fifteen point one seconds a new PR. Vinnie picks Dexter’s plate off the floor, examines it. Feels its clean and puts it back in the cabinet. He says, “Dexter, you’re better than the dishwasher.”

Dexter sits on his haunches, cocks his head slightly, believes he did something good but he doesn’t know what it was, and expects a reward. Dexter’s dog brain is still trying to understand the human mind.

Vinnie carries the Fruit Loops to the table, places the dish on the table and sits down. I’m ready. I’ll go first. He picks up his cards and says, “I get to exchange one card with Mom and two with Dad. Then you guys can exchange a card.”

“That’s not how you play, Vincent. And, you are not going to a whole bowl of Fruit Loops. You know how I feel about sugary cereal, anyway.”

“But Mom, Gramma bought them for me, so you can’t throw them away.”

“When they’re gone, they’re gone and don’t you go asking Gramma to buy you sugary cereals.”

“I didn’t, Mom. I was talking to Rupert and she overheard me saying I was hungry for Fruit Loops. And, why can’t we exchange cards? Why, Mom? Why?”

“Because we are going to play the way the game was designed to be played, Vincent. It will be good for you to play by the rules. It’s what adults have to do to be successful in life.”

“Can I pass out the cards, Mom?”

“Okay. First, I’ll slide out one card from the characters, one from the room, and another from the murder weapon and put them in the case. See, I didn’t look at them. Before I pass the cards out, can I guess?”

“Dear, I warned you how this would turn out. I’m afraid it’s going to be worse than I imagined. I feel a migrane coming on,” says Vinnie’s mom to his dad.

Vinnie’s dad smiles, “Vinnie, pass out the cards. You can’t possible know who is on the cards in the case. I shuffled the cards. Mom and I watched you. You didn’t peek. If we look, we’ll have to do it all over again.”

“I still know. I am so sure I know. Please don’t look at your cards. I want to guess the murderer and the room and the weapon. Then we can play the game I invented.”

Vinnie’s dad answers for Vinnie’s mom who is pressing the palms of her hands against her temples. “Vinnie, you can’t guess until you’re in a room. We haven’t started playing yet, so you’re not in a room.”

Vinnie moves the yellow piece representing Colonel Mustard to the library, “I’m in a room, can I guess now, Dad?”

“Vincent, either you play right or you can’t play,” says Vinnie’s mom.

“But I don’t want anybody to look at their cards until I guess. I want to show you how smart I am,” says Vinnie.

“You know you don’t know,” says Vinnie’s mom.

“If I can’t play you won’t have enough players to play unless you use Rupert. He’s very smart and will probably win,” answers Vinnie. 

“Dear, will you get this game started so we can get it finished. I’m already worn out and no one has rolled the dice,” says Vinnie’s mom.

Vinnie’s dad picks up Vinnie’s yellow piece and moves it back to the starting place. He says, “Mom will go first, you will go second, Vinnie, and I will go third. I will be Professor Plum, Mom will be Miss Scarlet, and Vinnie, you’ll be Colonel Mustard.”

“Dad. Dad. Dad,” says Vinnie waving his arm as if he is in school.

“What, Vinnie,” says Vinnie’s dad with a hint of weariness in his voice.

“Mom can’t be Miss Scarlet. She has to be Mrs. Peacock because Miss Scarlett isn’t married and Mom is married,” says Vinnie.

“One can only wish,” says Vinnie’s mom.