Have Hemorrhoids – Need Treatment?

I hardly slept. La Flor and LC went off to bed excitedly talking about the next caper. O’Leary is tracking down the perps who demolished Francine Peony’s home. La Flor told O’Leary Francine did it for the insurance. The crazy part, I’ve never seen La Flor happier. She’s in love with LC. LC is in love with her. She loves Big Carmen, LC’s father and head of the mob. And, I have a 70 year old hit man, short, skinny, big beak, ears that can lift him off his feet if the wind gusts over 30 mph taking up residence in my house until the heat blows over. What’s wrong? Plenty. Let’s find out.

“Hey Ray, where’s breakfast?” demanded Lil Carlo.

Lil Carlo has his shirt off, he’s wearing a tank top t-shirt. I see a tattoo of a nude woman on his skinny left bicep. He’s got his unfastened shoulder holster draping over his shoulders. His gun isn’t in his holster, it’s in his hand.

“You want a bagel? Oatmeal?”

“You got Fruit Loops?”

“No.”

“How about Pop Tarts?”

“No.”

“What kinda joint is dis? Any respectable joint gots Pop Tarts. It’s got Fruit Loops. It’s got real butter. It’s got whipped cream. It’s got gelato. You got gelato?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong wit use? Use is gonna have to change use act, if use wanna stay on my good side, said Lil Carlo staring down the barrel of his gun.

“What’s your good side?” I asked.

“Dis side over here,” he said pointing to his left side with his gun.

“I’ll remember that. How do you stay so thin, eating that kind of food?”

“It’s my metabolism. I can eat anyting if use put marinara sauce and cheese on it but kale and Brussels sprouts.”

The lovers make their entrance, AKA La Flor and LC, “Where’s breakfast, Ray?” asked La Flor.

“I jus asked him da same question. He got no good answers for me, or for anybody else as far as that goes. I got to say, my trigger fingers gets itchy when my blood sugar gets low.”

I took a 20 out and handed it LC, make an emergency run for me, LC. Get Lil Carlo whatever he wants. Pick up something for La Flor and you.”

LC brushes my hand aside. “Keep the Jackson. My beautiful, tough, and edgy dynamo will gets food for use and the company we expects to drops by now and then,” said LC.

“That’s generous, LC,” I said with a sense of gratitude.

“Not to mention it. We’re not paying for it. We’ll appropriate it from the Logan’s chain warehouse.”

“You’re going to steal it?” I said, my sense of gratitude evaporated.

“No. Rocco works there to supplement his income. I’ll call him and tell him to have it ready to go,” said LC.

“Rocco’s stealing it,” I said.

“Wrongo, Ray. Sorry for using Spanish. Rocco is packaging it for redistribution and we’s the re-distributors. Chow (that’s how he said it instead of ciao).”

As La Flor and LC are walking out O’Leary is walking in. I hear him say, “Can use make it three dozen glazed, I’m on a diet?”

O’Leary walks into the living room. He stops when he sees Lil Carlo and his gun. “Dr. Funguli what are use doing with a gun?”

Lil Carlo appears confused for moment, then catches up. “Tanks for noticing. Dis is not a gun. It only looks like a gun. It’s the latest thing to put suppositories where they supposed to go. It’ll hold six suppositories at once. If da hemorrhoids are real bad, it’ll shoot all six up at once. You got hemorrhoids need treatment? I can help?

“No tanks, I still have cream in the medicine cabinet,” said O’Leary.

I break this conversation, “What’s up with the investigation of the explosion at Peony’s house?” I asked.

Before he can answer, La Flor and LC walk in. LC’s carrying four boxes. La Flor is holding his hand guiding him. She doesn’t do boxes or bags. LC sets the boxes down, “Here’s use Fruit Loops and Pop Tarts, Lil, I means Dr. Funguli. Here’s three boxes of glazed, O’Leary. Here’s a case of veggie burgers, Ray-mo. As for us, we gots our coffee and breakfast sandwiches from Starbucks. It’s nice how they donated them to us. The barista said we was the 73rd customer the day. So’s we the lucky ones.”

I don’t want to ask. I don’t want to know.

“Man, dees glazed are da bomb,” said O’Leary.

“It’s all in da glaze,” said Lil Carlo or Dr. Funguli.

“I stooped by to tells use, Peony cracked and signed a confession this morning,” said O’Leary.

“She did?” I said.

“Yah. It happened after her new lawyer, Joey “the mistrial” Bugali talked to her.

LC bumps me with his elbow, “He’s Big Carmen’s lawyer.”

O’Leary continued, “It’s not going to court. Mickey “The Calzone” Donati got her to agree not to ask for insurance and she promised to invite him to her next party.

“I knew she was guilty. I knew it. I knew it,” said La Flor.

“Use was right, beautiful, tough, and edgy kid,” said O’Leary trying unsuccessful to sound like a noir PI. Then he added, “I gots to run. Chow mein.” Did he mean ciao?

La Flor motions us all to the table, “I’m only going to say this softly, so listen up. It’s on for tonight. Be ready to go at 11.”

“Huh?”

What’s on for 11 tonight? She’s excited? LC’s excited. Lil Carlo is gnawing a Pop Tart with his false teeth. Come back tomorrow to find out.

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Make Me A Power Smoothie

“I am so freaking excited. I am the cover girl for the roach’s jewels,” said La Flor lying on her yoga mat doing crunches, some crazy Pilates and core exercises. She added, “I’m already buff, but a cover girl can’t be too buff, suppose they want to feature a diamond in my navel. I have an innie. You can’t feature a diamond in an outie.” La Flor showing great pride in her bully button.

“I think it’s La Roche. What are you doing now?” I asked.

“What did I say? I hate to repeat myself. I’m working my legs and arms together. The best tummy tightener exercise possible. Make me a power smoothie while I finish up.”

“Do you want wheat grass? Gia seeds? Flaxseeds? Green tea? Kale? Spinach? What do you want in it?” I said.

“All the above. I’m in training. Go to one of those health blogs. The weird ones that everyone says they read but don’t. Unlike your blog where everyone says they don’t read and do because of me.”

“I have to time the smoothie. When will you be through with your workout?”

“I’ve got cardio. After cardio, I do upper body weights. Got to keep my natural and I emphasize the word natural wonders firm.”

“It’s a family blog, La Flor.”

“What I say? Lighten up, Ray. Get real. It’s not the Victorian age. Become comfortable with yourself and people will become comfortable with you.”

“Something like you,” I said.

The doorbell rings.

“Exactly. Get the door, it’s probably LC with his arms loaded with gifts for me and he can’t open the door.”

I take a step toward the door. I hear footsteps, it can only be …

“How’s it going beautiful, tough, and edgy and I misses you more than you know every man’s heart throb?” said Big Carmen.

“Hi Big Carmen,” I said.

“I come here to talk to the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. For you, I give you a word, hi,” said Big Carmen.

“Are you upset I didn’t take the job?”

Big Carmen turned toward me, “Upset? Upset? Why woulds use use that milder than my Wednesday night special white cheese pizza, special this week for four ninety nine when use buy eight cannoli for three bucks each word?”

“Something wrong?” I asked.

He turns toward La Flor, “Beautiful, tough, and edgy one, coulds use stop with the bouncing up and downs for a moment. I am getting dizzy with your beauty going back and forth so fast.”

La Flor stops half-way into a crunch. She stares at her abs. “I see a six pack forming. My dream. What is it BC, make it quick, I can’t hold this position for ever.”

“I needs use, but not the ways use thinks I needs use. I gots a question for use. Use may listen. Ray, but let the beautiful, tough and edgy one make up her own, personal, and I will add more brilliant than ten suns and four moons, and six iron stews mind.”

“Did you mean, Einstein?” I said.

“What I tell use abouts repeating what I say. What I say? Iron Stews.”

I pondered telling Big Carmen he repeated himself, but thought it unwise. Not because of him, but because La Flor was giving me a “don’t screw this up” look.

“Yes?” said La Flor flirting with her eyes at Big Carmen.

“Use eyes do something to make my heart have a murmur or someting. I don’t know how it happens. Anyways, there is this problem with someone use know. His name is TT. The cops arrested him. The fool was so happy with his job he thinks he can brags about it. He even text his brother who happens to be an undercover cop. I wants use to be his lawyer. I know use can get him off because use is beautiful, tough, and an edgy legal wizard.”

I said, “His brother turned him in?”

“It was his adopted brother, they’re not blood. But it is the only one he gots.”

“What’s he charged with?”

“Nothing. They want him to go into witness protection, which is a good ting and a bad ting. Now it is a bad ting. What’s that stuff use is making? Use not going to drink it?”

“It’s for La Flor. Part of her conditioning. It’s a power smoothie,” I said.

Big Carmen looked at La Flor, “Use wants to drink someting dat tastes worse than I can’t say because this a family blog and I don’t want use know who to reminds me again. I hate that.”

“What’s in it for me if I get TT out of witness protection?” said La Flor as calm as any Hollywood agent.

“Use gets to name use ticket right to da top of wherevers use wants to go,” said Big Carmen.

“I’ll need a new wardrobe. A personal trainer. A nail and hair tech on call 24/7 for starters. And, I want Ray for my legal assistant.”

“Use got it.”

“Ray, dump the smoothie and bring Big Carmen and me a glass of wine,” La Flor said.

“Huh?”