Tag: widowers

Each Day I Stumbled Forward

Each Day I Stumbled Forward

My neighbors told me over and again it gets better with time. No it doesn’t. But I got up each morning, put on my best smile, and stumbled forward. Stumbling forward became my metaphor for not quitting. A tiny spark, deep within me flickered with the desire to learn to live again. M spoke honestly to me about stumbling forward. She had a similar experience when her husband was killed in a car accident. Here is a an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“I feel as I’m stumbling forward, M. You know how it is, two steps forward and then I step on a rock, causing me to lose my balance. I stumble to the ground—always forward, never backward.”

“I like the metaphor,” M said. “Stumbling forward describes how I felt during my periods of intense grieving. . . . I had to learn new ways to live. I learned to do many things Peter previously did for me. I didn’t want to learn to do them, I had to stumble forward. I had to grow. . . . Don’t count the times you stumble, Ray. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’re walking without stumbling. You’ll stop walking or doing whatever you’re doing and give thanks to God. Until the moment arrives, continue to stumble forward.”

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Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.

Nothing in Life Prepares One to Grieve

A woman who lost her husband of 49 years pulled me aside after I spoke at a meeting and said, “Ray, no one knows until they know.” I knew she was speaking about the intense suffering associated with her grief. Grieving had taken hold of her. I understood. I journaled about my grief when it first struck me in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Here is an excerpt from my journal.

“Nothing in life prepared me for this moment of loss. I witnessed others face this moment from a compassionate and safe distance, but I didn’t own the moment with them. I was there for others because it was what one does for those we care about. I was empathetic. I was being a good person. I’d send a note or flowers. I learned I knew nothing about grieving. I had no clue to the depths of the suffering in front of me.

When grief took hold of me, I quickly learned of its power. I learned of its stubborn refusal to let go. I felt it imposing its will upon me. Grief owns me and batters me relentlessly with its gale-force winds day and night with no end in sight. There is nothing I can do to hide from it, toss it aside, or stuff it in the hidden spaces of my mind. Like an unwanted relative, grief didn’t wait for me to answer the doorbell, it walked right in and announced it was moving in with no intention to leave.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

Sometimes There is No Anwer to “Why?”

Have you asked Why? I did throughout the depths of my grieving, thousands of times, and never found an answer. I asked M, “Why?” She gently guided me with her wisdom. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

“I keep asking why. I never find an answer. I find only anger and sadness. I might as well try to stop the tide from rising.”

M nodded, and said, “Exactly, Ray. Instead, why not choose to open the door and escape from the labyrinth of chasing after the ‘why’ questions? Why not ask questions to help you make today a better day than yesterday? Think about questions that lead you in a hopeful direction to more fully discover the meaning in your life.”

“What if my questions can’t be answered?” I asked.

M shrugged, then said, “You can spend your life seeking the answers to those questions or you can accept their unfathomable nature. Learn to live with them, Ray.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

Tough Advice: Stop Making Excuses

M challenged me with Tough advice when she told me to Let go of the past and move forward. The more deeply I felt my loss, the tighter my bonds to the past became. Each time M challenged me to let go of the past, I made an excuse not to let go. M finally challenged me to let go of my excuse making. It wasn’t easy, but as M told me, I had a choice. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again where I wrestled with this decision.

“It’s easier for me to live in the past where I was happy rather than figure out how to live in the present in a way that added meaning to my life and held on to the hope that happiness would one day find me again. I realized I developed excuse-making into a professional skill as excuses rolled off my tongue as easy as grass turns green in the spring.

If I really wanted to dance with suffering and grieving, I would need to let go of what held me to the past with a death grip and not make excuses about moving forward. Easier said than done, but I would give it my best. I wanted to dance with grieving.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

Dare to Live

Whether grieving or not grieving, I’ve met many people who are alive but not living. There is a big difference. In Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again, M challenges me to dare to live. Here is an excerpt:

“I’m sharing what I learned from my experience. You’re strong enough to start taking dares. Trust God that in the areas where you’re weak, He is strong. Dare to act, Ray. Dare to do the things you don’t want to do. Dare to live life, and grieving will gradually disappear. … Our two biggest obstacles are excuse-making and not letting go of the past. If you really want to live life and let grieving slip away, stop making excuses and let go of past …”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

Suffering Isn’t Easy, But it Happens

Suffering isn’t easy. Healthy people don’t want it for themselves or for others. Yet, it happens. In Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again, M shared her wisdom with me about suffering. I listened because I knew she suffered a great loss before me. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“Remember what Saint Teresa of Ávila said: ‘All things are passing; God never changes, patience obtains all things.’ Don’t be afraid of suffering. It’s unavoidable. You can do nothing to make it go away. It has a life of its own. You did not purposely will this suffering upon yourself. It happened. It happened as it will happen to everyone. It is part of the human condition. We can push aside all thoughts of it to some remote canyon in Texas, but it waits patiently, knowing its time will come. Instead of suffering being a curse, think of your unavoidable suffering as a wonderful gift to help you become a more loving and compassionate person. If you’re willing, you will see the lessons it is teaching you”

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live again by Ray Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

Trusting My Intuition

Trusting My Intuition as I Grieved

On one of our visits, M encouraged me to trust my intuition as I grieved. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. 

“M stared at me. A slight smile appeared. She slowly shook her head and said, “When you trust your intuition, you’re trusting God. Even if you fail, God will draw good out of your failure. It’s why, in the end, following your instincts will be the right course for you.”

M’s words resonated with me as I replied, “Oftentimes, I don’t see the hand of God until I look back over the distance I’ve traveled. When I look back, I realize how life prepared me for the moment. It is a moment of grace. It is a moment of gratitude. In that moment, I thank God for my teachers on the journey, for the strength and capabilities given to prepare me for the challenge. Most of all, I thank God for always being near me, even when I couldn’t sense He was there.

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

There Will Be Another Season

There was a time during the depths of my grieving when I felt as if I were drowning. M and I went for a walk in nearby park. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again where she helped me through the moment:

“M didn’t answer right away. Instead, she stopped and pulled out her iPhone, turning to the wild flowers just off the trail’s edge.

“I love wild flowers. I must take a photo,” she said. “They only come once a year. They give us their beauty if we are awake to appreciate their gift. They die in the fall, and spring forth again for their next growing season. Think God is sending us a message about life with the flowers?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “Babe gave us her beauty, especially to you, and she gave it to all she met. Always be grateful for her gift, Ray. You don’t cry when the wild flowers die, you know there will be another season. God is telling you there will be another season.”

I couldn’t help myself as tears rolled down my cheeks. I embraced M. After a moment, I let go.

“Thank you. There will be another season,” I said, reassuring myself.”

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Ray Calabrese

This material is copyright.

Grieving is Different for Everyone

Early in my grieving process, I received lots of advice on how to grieve as if there was a right or wrong way to grieve. In Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again, I asked M if there was a right or wrong way to grieve. Here is an excerpt from the book:

“What do you think? Is there a right and wrong way to grieve?”

M didn’t answer as we kept walking. A hundred yards further, she broke our silence.

“What makes you think there is a right way to grieve?” she asked.

“I read it in a newsletter,” I felt foolish. M let it pass.

“I know you love sports, Ray. Is there a right way to hit a baseball?” asked M.

I thought about it for a second and said, “No. As long as you can hit a baseball, it doesn’t matter. There are some general mechanics all ballplayers share, but each one hits with a personal style.”

“What does that tell you about grieving?” M asked. “It’s not a trick question.”

“Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. There is no one size fits all,” I said.

M patted my shoulder and said, “You’ve got it on your first attempt. Like you said, there are mechanics everyone needs. In the end, using the baseball metaphor, it’s you in the batter’s box and grief pitching. No one else can hit the ball but you.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again is available in print and eBook formats worldwide. eBooks can be downloaded from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google Play, iBooks, Kobo and eBooks2go.com

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone

Raymond Calabrese

This material is protected  copyright.

Life Asks Everyone the Same Questions

Life Asks Everyone he Same Questions

There’s a big difference between existing and living. While I grieved I felt I existed and stopped living. M challenged me to live. In Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again I write:

“M stared at me for a moment, and then said, “Life asks the same two questions of everyone. It asks if we want to live. If we say yes to the question, it asks another question. It asks if we are ready to look forward to the joys of living. Each time you choose to live and not give in to despair, Ray, you choose to live. Then, you have a chance to answer the second question.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again is available in print and eBook formats worldwide. eBooks can be downloaded from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google Play, iBooks, Kobo and eBooks2go.com

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