I’m watching my favorite Netflix series. I discipline myself not to binge watch. I want to pace it out, extend my enjoyment. Then the front door opens, I hear footsteps. Then the voice.
“Ray, I need a vacation. I’m wearing out the treadmill you’ve put me on. All I do is work, work, and work some more,” said La Flor* nudging her main squeeze Little Carmen.
“That’s right, we needs a vacation,” said Little Carmen. Then he added, “I think I gots it right beautiful, tough, and edgy.”
“Almost right. Remember how the first line went, ‘La Flor needs a vacation.’ I’ve a Snicker’s bar and a small bag of nachos if you get it right,” said La Flor.
“I gots it, “Ray-mo, remember how the first line went? How’d I do beautiful, tough, and edgy?”
“Ray, I rest my case. I’m going nuts. LC, do me a big, really big fav and run over to the Starbucks on the other side of town and get me a white iced tea?”
“What’s about the one down the street? Do I has to run?”
“Yes, run. Walking might even be better. take your time. I don’t like the one down the street,” said La Flor then kissed Little Carmen on the cheek. Which was enough to push all the right buttons. Granted Little Carmen doesn’t have too many buttons (note how I use too correctly, unlike Little Carmen and La Flor).
La Flor nearly pushed Little Carmen out the door. She hollered, “Take your time LC, look both ways when you cross the street. Have a cold whipped drinks while you’re there and then get mine to go. It’s okay if you give it to a homeless person on a street corner.”
“Use is a saint, beautiful, tough, and edgy.”
La Flor turned to me, “Help me, Ray.”
“Pick a vacation spot?” I asked.
“No. One part of me wants to dump LC. And, the other part of me wants to keep LC. I’m caught in a tug of war and it’s tearing me apart.”
I’m trying to think what a sensitive male might say in a situation like this. ‘I’m here for you.’ No, I saw a Seinfeld episode with that line. ‘I’m listening.’ No, Fraser used that line in every show. ‘Suck it up and dump him.’ That doesn’t sound like a sensitive male. If only I could Google ‘sensitive male expressions.’ I can’t, La Flor’s expecting a response.
I said, “Want to sit out on the patio and talk?” I’m thinking I did pretty good.
La Flor said, “What? And, waste my time with psychobabble?”
“Where’d you pick up that term?” I asked.
“Dr. Phil’s script writer. You know, Dr. Phil is an alt ego. He’s not real like you and me. What you’re seeing is an actor play Dr. Phil the alt ego. The real alt ego hangs out at the alt ego singles club.”
“Dr. Phil is an alt ego?” I asked.
“Do I have to repeat everything. Now, let’s get back to my problem.”
“I forgot it’s all about you.”
“You’re learning,” said La Flor not catching my sarcasm.
I got La Flor out to the patio. I brought her a soda in a chilled glass with the exact amount of ice, one-fourth of the glass. At least, that’s La Flor’s measure of the exact amount of ice. I’m being very sensitive. I sat down opposite her and said, “What is it you don’t like about Little Carmen?”
“I don’t like the way he uses the word two for too when he should be using it for the word to.”
“And, not two?” I asked.
“Exactly!” said La Flor.
Two, too, and to are too troublesome to think about for too long. I Pushed ahead, the sensitive male that I am, “What is something you like about Little Carmen?” I asked.
La Flor put her index finger up to her lips, she was faking she was thinking, but I didn’t point it out, the sensitive male that I am. She moved her lips as she counted to six. Why six? No clue. She said, “He’s, no that’s not a strong point. He’s, no that isn’t it either. I know. He’s, no that doesn’t work either. It’s something about him. He has no good points for a beautiful, tough, and edgy, go for it all girl like me. He has one thing, just one thing.”
She said, “He’s, no that’s not a strong point. He’s, no that isn’t it either. I know. He’s, no that doesn’t work either. It’s something about him. He has no good points for a beautiful, tough, and edgy, go for it all girl like me. He has only one thing, just one thing going for him.”
“What is it?” I am intrigued.
“He’s a chick magnet. I don’t want any other alt ego women to have him. He’s mine. All mine.”
“Let me see if I understand.”
“Not a chance,” said La Flor.
“Why not?”“You’re not one of the species who has the understanding gene.”
“You’re not one of the species who has the understanding gene.”
“I’ll rephrase. Let me see if I can summarize.”
“That’s better, Ray.”
I said, “There is nothing you like about Little Carmen. How am I doing?”
“So far, so good,” she said.
“He’s a chick magnet and all your alt ego girlfriends would grab him in a second and you won’t let that happen.”
“You got that straight,” said La Flor.
In the distance, getting closer was the wail of sirens.
La Flor rushed to the window. She turned to me, “Ray, it’s the paramedics. Oh no, LC must be hurt and they want me to identify his shattered remains. He must have jumped out of a window because he loved me so much. Ray, I don’t think I can take it. I hope he left a note that tells everyone how he didn’t deserve me because he didn’t.”
I looked out the window, the back of the ambulance opened, LC jumped out, one of the paramedics hands him his Starbucks carry all. The paras waved at Little Carmen as he LC jogged to the door.
I said, “He’s okay, La Flor. He got a ride in the ambulance to bring you your drink.”
“Out of my way, Ray.” Said La Flor rushing to open the door.
“Here’s your drink my beautiful, tough, and edgy you can have it all girl.”
“Put them down you big lug and hug me. Then we’ll go plan our vacation at Wineland.”
I’ll never understand those two, too, or to.
* La Flor is a fictional character and acts as my alt ego. Her character has evolved over the blog posts. She began with a single letter as her name. Her name gradually grew to two letters, then three before she settled on La Flor. She liked the name because it fit her idea of a beautiful, tough, and edgy feminine PI. It is my interaction with her persona that serves as the source of these blog posts. I have no notion how La Flor will continue to evolve. It is an adventure for me as well as the reader.